Not everyone is on B2W to meet, but if you are - I hope that you will read this post, add your comments about your own experiences trying to screen potential people, either couples or bulls? And I think as a community we can create some "accepted" protocols. One of the biggest sources of frustration for a lot of people in the LS is that newbies ruin it for everyone because they dont have experience and thus don't know "how to" navigate the LS.
Couples Perspective:
If you are open to meeting people from B2W, I highly recommend you post on your profile in the ABOUT YOU section "Open to Meeting"
If you dont want to fill out other info, thats fine, but just by making this known, hopefully profiles that DO NOT have this will be left alone. Its more a safety protocol online for the people that just want to keep things virtual.
But here's what you need to know from the Bulls/Men of B2W
1. Who are you?
2. How much experience do you have?
3. What are your safety protocols?
4. What are your limits and boundaries?
5. How will you guide us through this encounter with you?
6. What is your STI and CV19 Status?
7. Do you have a short term or long term relationship?
From the Bulls Perspective (I get a lot of younger, new bulls asking for advice)
You need to know from the couples
1. Who they are? (Both of them)
2. How long they been together?
3. Do they have any experience?
4. Whose fantasy is this?
5. What are there limits and boundaries?
6. What is their STI and CV19 Status?
7. Do they want a short term or long term relationship?
That's it for the online screening questions and process. If you like each other, then you should schedule a Virtual Date.
YES VIRTUAL DATES ARE no longer Optional. With CV19, I highly recommend them, they really help in the meeting process.
A Virtual Date is 30-45 Minutes. (I have had some go way longer, but I don't recommend that)
In the Virtual Date This is what you should discuss
1. Make an "On the Table List" - that means, everything that is open to play. Yes, you must discuss and get verbal consent to do anal, to do rough sex, to do bareback, to do anything. If you dont discuss it, then its AUTOMATICALLY off limits during your first session. [This is a HARD RULE and cannot be broken]
If you meet for a 1st session and either the couple or the Bull tries to discuss or do anything not "on the list" then end the session immediately and ask the person to leave. People that cannot respect consent and negotiation should not be rewarded.
2. Go over safety protocols. What this means for newbies.
Its having a Safe Word. The easiest and simplest word is "RED" that means if anyone says "RED" during play - everything stops ASAP and you take a breather.
In my experience, women have used the Safe Word with me because they needed to catch their breath. In the heat of the moment, I can get very intense and it can get overwhelming, especially for someone brand new. If I am in one position, flip her over into a new position and then start doing dirty talk, and change intensity and rhythm, its real easy for a woman to lose her breath. Thats why there is a safe word. She isn't telling me she wants to stop completely, but she needs a break. She says "RED" I stop, catch my breath, ask her if she is ok, she catches her breath, calms down a bit, and then typically she will say, "ok, im ready to go."
No one gets hurt, it builds trust and comfort. There is nothing worse for a woman to feel uncomfortable during sex. Fellas, trust me, If a woman knows she can stop at any time, she will let you push her limits because she knows that she can pull it back if she feels its too much.
Great post and great thread! The only two critiques I'd offer are:
1. For us "virtual dates" aren't mandatory at all, as it's difficult for us to find privacy in our home with kiddos who sometimes get out of bed at unexpected times, and extended family members living with us. That being said, ALL of the things you talked about happening in the virtual date are definitely mandatory. Getting a feel for everyone's wants, interests, comfort and experience levels, and eventually negotiation of consent, need to happen. But we've found they can all happen as effectively in a coffee shop, a bar, a public park, or in a three-way chat between the couple and the prospective bull, using Kik or WhatsApp or something similar. The latter is usually how we start. If someone is interesting and shows promise, we might start chatting with him. If he shows he's intelligent and interesting and arouses my wife in chat, we'll shoot for an initial meetup in a safe public spot. If that goes well, THEN taking it to a bedroom can be discussed. And I will absolutely cosign on the notion that ONLY what's been discussed and agreed upon is what will happen on that first playdate. If additional things occur to you that you want to try, discuss them and see if you get consent before the next meeting. If you've already talked about what everyone's into, you should have no shortage of hot and enjoyable things to do during that first session. There's nothing wrong with leaving things to be explored on future dates and keeping things exciting.
2. In the BDSM world, in my experience, "red" as a safe word does NOT mean everyone catches their breath and then play can resume. "Green" means "yes, please keep doing what you're doing," "yellow" means, "pump the breaks, I need something to change or be adjusted if we're going to continue," and "red" means "stop, we're done
for the night." I realize not everyone has this experience and expectation. Hell, your safe word might be "Santa Claus," not everyone plays the same way. But a safe word needs to talked about well in advance of any play. And people who are used to the "stoplight colors" used in BDSM dungeons will consider that night-ending power of the word "red" to be sacrosanct. The reason for this important distinction is that when someone is in a vulnerable position, such as tied to a St. Andrew's cross with someone they've just met being tasked with safely and sanely beating the hell out of them, they need BOTH a way to signal that they need to slow down and reassess what's going on, and ALSO a way to signal to everyone including dungeon masters or caretakers that they need to be taken out of the situation. I've also seen tops or dominants be the ones to safe word, putting a hand on a sub's shoulder and saying whispering something like, "red, we're done here," when they realize the sub is so far into subspace that they aren't able to protect their own previously-discussed desires and limits.
Obviously, that last nitpick is coming from a pretty extreme and specific place. I just think it's important to bring up, because if you say "red is your safe word," to a new partner, it might give the impression that you're used to the same rules that many others, especially those with just a little bit of experience in the kink community, have come to understand as standard. This is perhaps a good illustration of why negotiation of consent is such an important step. There should be as few assumptions and as little guess work or interpretation as possible during the first few meetings with a new playmate, especially if power play of any kind is on the table.
Otherwise, great thoughts all around. I agree, it gets easier to separate the fantasy talkers from the real people once you've been through a vetting process a few times and refined your approach, and having a general starting point that anyone can use will benefit the entire community. I'll admit that even at our experience level, we haven't always remembered to have the safe word talk (though my wife and I do have signals she can use to let me know she needs help), but knowing how it works for groups of people before us, who've laid out some pretty thoughtful ground rules, has absolutely been beneficial to us. Thanks for getting a great conversation started!