Getting less aroused by conventional sex with wife

J

jared7577768

Male
I’m actually starting to get a little concerned. Wife is a very vanilla and repressed super curvy bbw. I am seriously underendowed, and can’t really even penetrate. She is pretty uncomfortable with talk of other men, and even watching porn. For a while she was willing to tell me I had a little dick while she jerked me off, and that was incredibly arousing…but she is no longer comfortable doing that. So “sex” is her jerking me off, then me making her cum a bunch of times with the hitachi magic wand. For her, this could be what we do for sex for the rest of our lives. But I’m getting less and less aroused, and it’s less fulfilling every time. Basically, I’m not really turned on anymore at the idea of the two of us having sex. I am MASSIVELY turned on at the thought of her having sex with other men, and I can only truly get off in a fulfilling way if I think about that. So I’m frustrated and concerned about our sexual relationship. Just needed to vent, but any thoughts/suggestions are welcome.
 
jared7577768 said:
Yeah, that’s pretty much what im starting to realize. Just do my “duty” in the bedroom and continue to have a creative masturbatory life.
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I'll tell you want worked for me. is stop giving her sex and she'll have to find ways to get off. either she can wand her self, or find a partner. always stay connected with her, just don't make her cum. and perhaps you should also try playing with other guys, or starting a circle jerk.
 
jared7577768 said:
Yeah, that’s pretty much what im starting to realize. Just do my “duty” in the bedroom and continue to have a creative masturbatory life.
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Has it always been that way, maybe subconsciously/closeted and it now comes to the surface? Or is it something truely new and things have changed for you? If the latter, what was/is it that has changed your feelings/emotions, if you can tell? TY
 
ashleybigdildo said:
imgur.com

Imgur

Imgur: The magic of the Internet
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Use huge dildos like me I told my husband either let me use big dildos or fuck off
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I bought several dildos, but she is not very interested in them. She says she doesn’t like putting fake things inside of her. She has let me try a few times, but the bigger size plus her lack of interest in them makes it so she doesn’t really get turned on by it. And I think that makes it not feel good. So I feel like if she’s ever going to experience something bigger than me and enjoy it, it would have to be a real cock. But at this point she isn’t willing to consider it. Am I right in thinking that a huge cock feels better than a huge dildo?
 
mywayintermsofsex said:
Has it always been that way, maybe subconsciously/closeted and it now comes to the surface? Or is it something truely new and things have changed for you? If the latter, what was/is it that has changed your feelings/emotions, if you can tell? TY
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It’s pretty much been this way forever, but I’ve tried many approaches and ideas over the years…let myself believe that maybe things would change, I’d find a path that would help her relax into a more experimental sexual mindset…but it always comes to an awkward halt and I feel embarrassed and guilty. And I think I’m just finally realizing that nothing is ever going to change…I’m getting tired. It’s been over 30 years.
 
jared7577768 said:
It’s pretty much been this way forever, but I’ve tried many approaches and ideas over the years…let myself believe that maybe things would change, I’d find a path that would help her relax into a more experimental sexual mindset…but it always comes to an awkward halt and I feel embarrassed and guilty. And I think I’m just finally realizing that nothing is ever going to change…I’m getting tired. It’s been over 30 years.
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Sometimes you just have to play the cards you are dealt with.
 
jared7577768 said:
I’m actually starting to get a little concerned. Wife is a very vanilla and repressed super curvy bbw. I am seriously underendowed, and can’t really even penetrate. She is pretty uncomfortable with talk of other men, and even watching porn. For a while she was willing to tell me I had a little dick while she jerked me off, and that was incredibly arousing…but she is no longer comfortable doing that. So “sex” is her jerking me off, then me making her cum a bunch of times with the hitachi magic wand. For her, this could be what we do for sex for the rest of our lives. But I’m getting less and less aroused, and it’s less fulfilling every time. Basically, I’m not really turned on anymore at the idea of the two of us having sex. I am MASSIVELY turned on at the thought of her having sex with other men, and I can only truly get off in a fulfilling way if I think about that. So I’m frustrated and concerned about our sexual relationship. Just needed to vent, but any thoughts/suggestions are welcome.
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Very similar to my situation. Have you tried dildos that are bigger than you or cock sheaths to make you bigger?
 
Seth88 said:
Very similar to my situation. Have you tried dildos that are bigger than you or cock sheaths to make you bigger?
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If you look back a couple of posts I talk about the dildo situation. And I’ve tried cock sheaths over the years, but a major problem with those is that I’m so short (3.25”which is within the micropenis classification) and i turtle like crazy, that the sheaths end up with a huge gap inside and just kind of flop over or just slip right off.
 
@jared7577768: Introducing another man to your sex lives for real is a game changer. It can change things for the better but it could also possibly do harm to a marriage. There is a difference between a fantasy and the reality thereof. That difference is not a small one, often underestimated by the one having and bringing up that fantasy (in this case the husband, you). The partner who did not initially have that fantasy (in this case the/your wife) is typically more rational about the thought of making it a reality, and often more concerned about a negative outcome. - That's not necessarily bad because adding her thoughts and feelings to the husband's ideas which are often driven by lust and perhaps frustration helps make more thoughtful, better decisions. Take her concerns seriously!
jared7577768 said:
It’s pretty much been this way forever, but I’ve tried many approaches and ideas over the years…let myself believe that maybe things would change, I’d find a path that would help her relax into a more experimental sexual mindset…but it always comes to an awkward halt and I feel embarrassed and guilty. And I think I’m just finally realizing that nothing is ever going to change…I’m getting tired. It’s been over 30 years.
Click to expand...
Okay, it looks like you are contradictory somehow. First you said, your interest in having sex with your wife was on a decline, but then you parctically say, it's always been that way. Now what's the case because it can't be both? 🤔
Anyway, what could be the case is that you are a person with a low sex drive. Is that the case? One thing you said that could support this theory is the mention of having a (way) smaller than average sized penis. Well, that could have many different reasons, among those are genetics or nutrition/diet. Yet another reason could be having a rather low level mix of sexual hormones all your life, starting from your teens, the period of the male life cycle that usually contributes the most to penis growth.
On the other hand a declining libido is normal with increasing age and nothing to be worried about. Also this does not effect men only, Women go through different stages with effects on their sex drives and often with a decrease after menopause. If your Woman has a low sex drive herself, the advantages of sharing her with another man will be minimal to non-existent. In that case the fantasy of sharing one's wife is probably best kept a fantasy. ;)
 
mywayintermsofsex said:
@jared7577768: Introducing another man to your sex lives for real is a game changer. It can change things for the better but it could also possibly do harm to a marriage. There is a difference between a fantasy and the reality thereof. That difference is not a small one, often underestimated by the one having and bringing up that fantasy (in this case the husband, you). The partner who did not initially have that fantasy (in this case the/your wife) is typically more rational about the thought of making it a reality, and often more concerned about a negative outcome. - That's not necessarily bad because adding her thoughts and feelings to the husband's ideas which are often driven by lust and perhaps frustration helps make more thoughtful, better decisions. Take her concerns seriously!

Okay, it looks like you are contradictory somehow. First you said, your interest in having sex with your wife was on a decline, but then you parctically say, it's always been that way. Now what's the case because it can't be both? 🤔
Anyway, what could be the case is that you are a person with a low sex drive. Is that the case? One thing you said that could support this theory is the mention of having a (way) smaller than average sized penis. Well, that could have many different reasons, among those are genetics or nutrition/diet. Yet another reason could be having a rather low level mix of sexual hormones all your life, starting from your teens, the period of the male life cycle that usually contributes the most to penis growth.
On the other hand a declining libido is normal with increasing age and nothing to be worried about. Also this does not effect men only, Women go through different stages with effects on their sex drives and often with a decrease after menopause. If your Woman has a low sex drive herself, the advantages of sharing her with another man will be minimal to non-existent. In that case the fantasy of sharing one's wife is probably best kept a fantasy. ;)
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I appreciate your thoughtful response. I can see how I can come off as contradictory. In a nutshell:
-I have always had a very high libido
-My wife’s libido has ranged from minimal to below average (months without sex to once a week)
-Wife is admittedly very repressed and embarrassed about sex. Uncomfortable discussing it, uncomfortable trying new things, and uncomfortable expressing or validating herself as a sexual person.
-I’ve spent years trying to help her feel more comfortable with sex, which occasionally resulted in a step forward but much more often resulted in her rejecting the idea and being embarrassed.
-More often than not for much of our marriage she would push me away when I tried to initiate sex, to the point that I now have anxiety about it so she really has to initiate it at this point.
-I’ve recently realized that she is not going to change from anything I am doing; she will continue to be embarrassed about sex and content with our vanilla sex that is literally the same thing over and over, despite the capacity she has occasionally shown to be a sexual dynamo. This hasn’t decreased my libido, but it has increased my feeling of futility about our sexual evolution as a couple, and that is counterproductive to arousal.
-So I don’t actually think things will end up with a BBC in our bed…but anything that felt like it was moving in that direction would be extremely fulfilling.
 
Nothing is going to change. Start accepting that. Your only hope is to get her talking to a shrink to find out what’s her hang up is. My guess (and I’m no expert” is that she’s fat and hates her body.
 
Ebonythunder said:
Nothing is going to change. Start accepting that. Your only hope is to get her talking to a shrink to find out what’s her hang up is. My guess (and I’m no expert” is that she’s fat and hates her body.
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She has a therapist but refuses to talk about anything sexual, she’s too embarrassed. She does think she’s fat, but I never miss an opportunity to tell her how beautiful and sexy she is, and she believes me even though she thinks I’m biased.
But you’re right, nothing is likely going to change and I am accepting that…and it’s why I’m feeling less aroused. Being faced with the reality of the same exact vanilla scenario for the rest of my life is very sobering.
 
jared7577768 said:
She has a therapist but refuses to talk about anything sexual, she’s too embarrassed. She does think she’s fat, but I never miss an opportunity to tell her how beautiful and sexy she is, and she believes me even though she thinks I’m biased.
But you’re right, nothing is likely going to change and I am accepting that…and it’s why I’m feeling less aroused. Being faced with the reality of the same exact vanilla scenario for the rest of my life is very sobering.
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The fact she won’t talk about it to the therapist tells you everything. She will never change and the sooner you accept it, the better off you will be. I bet if you stopped having sex with her, she wouldn’t even care.
 
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