Dealing with seperate lives

[LisaLovesBlack]

Heya. I have an issue that was been troubling me for a while now and I guess I just want to get it of my chest and perhaps even get a bit of advice. Thing is I have been leading a double life for too long now and I'm just getting soooo tired of it. The life with my BF (who I have dating for three years) and the life with the other people in my life don't go that well together. My family, friends and people at my work they are all stuck-up upperclass white people. I don't see that as something bad per se, but it is what they are. Boyfriend is totally different though: raised in a bad neighbourhood mainly by his mom, because his dad was jail half the time, poor eduction (though he is pretty smart), hangs in questionable social circles and he's black. He is doing great in his own way, though the way he makes his money is rather frowned upon by 'my kind of people'. He is a great guy and we really click incredibly both sexually and personally, but it comes pretty close to my parents worst nightmare. They are pretty worried about the perfect future they always had in mind for me. The fact that sex plays such a big role in our relationship doesn't help either. I actually get that, but it's my life and I'm smart enough to make my own decissions. I sometimes take him to my parents, but that just feels awkward. It's not like they don't try and Chris tries as well, but perhaps the gap between them is just waaaaay to big. I know they think I'm making a mistake and rather see me dating some stuck-up upperclass white guy, but that just isn't going to happen.

When it comes to my friends it doesn't get a whole lot better. While I had to tell my parents ofcourse (I do want them to get along and accept us), I'm a bit more reluctant when it comes to friends. Some of my friends get along with him, but most just don't get it and seem to be mainly worried that I will end up a *******. The fact that I actually want this life and enjoy it is for some reason so out of their comfort zones, that they assume I am some dumb victim. Other friends I just don't tell. Same at the office: my private life stays private. So in a way I lead two seperate lives, but I can't really keep that up. I pretty much life at his place already, but I would like to move in with him some time soon and I'm kinda scared how that would affect the relationship with my friends. And yes, one day I would like to marry him and get his ******* too. Both of my parents would have a heart attack if I did that Anyway, sorry, for the rant. I'm just kinda sad and angry because of all of this and I had to get this of my chest. I thought there actually might be people here that have been in similar situations and...I don't know. End rant

 

[raf]

It would be easier if you married someone like me that is all for you getting BBC! ? but seriously you are in a serious dilemma that only a woman with experience can chime in on. Good luck in your situation.

 

[LisaLovesBlack]

Lol yes that might be a whole lot easier, but it wouldn't really work for me...

 

[raf]

Awww....I understand though, it is a fantasy of mine. I have always wanted to marry a sexy Caucasian woman like you that I would seriously enjoy the interracial lifestyle with. I will follow your profile and maybe we can chat more sometime.

 

[submission52]

You live for yourself, not other people. From the people I have known who faced similar challenges and went through with being with the black man they were dating, most of them had their family come around and accept the black man as part of the family. Maybe their family members still weren't crazy about it because of their apparent racism, but they accepted the choices of their *******/sister/etc. A few others though, had their family disown them. It's a shame there are still people like that, but they're out there. But these women went on to enjoy a life with the black man they were dating and started families of their own.

So you can take the risk and enjoy your own choices, or you can do what 'raf' suggested above. Although I can understand that it's much more than sex with your current boyfriend, so the alternate isn't nearly as appealing.

 

[Easygliderpro]

Idk ? if your name is Lisa or not, but do you really want an honest and good advice, or want to hear what you want to hear ??

First, do you think ? or believe this is the right place, or people here to ask for an advice about your situation?

Second, read some of my previous posts, and let me know if you still want my advice?

 

[MisterPussyPleaser]

Heya. I have an issue that was been troubling me for a while now and I guess I just want to get it of my chest and perhaps even get a bit of advice. Thing is I have been leading a double life for too long now and I'm just getting soooo tired of it. The life with my BF (who I have dating for three years) and the life with the other people in my life don't go that well together. My family, friends and people at my work they are all stuck-up upperclass white people. I don't see that as something bad per se, but it is what they are. Boyfriend is totally different though: raised in a bad neighbourhood mainly by his mom, because his dad was jail half the time, poor eduction (though he is pretty smart), hangs in questionable social circles and he's black. He is doing great in his own way, though the way he makes his money is rather frowned upon by 'my kind of people'. He is a great guy and we really click incredibly both sexually and personally, but it comes pretty close to my parents worst nightmare. They are pretty worried about the perfect future they always had in mind for me. The fact that sex plays such a big role in our relationship doesn't help either. I actually get that, but it's my life and I'm smart enough to make my own decissions. I sometimes take him to my parents, but that just feels awkward. It's not like they don't try and Chris tries as well, but perhaps the gap between them is just waaaaay to big. I know they think I'm making a mistake and rather see me dating some stuck-up upperclass white guy, but that just isn't going to happen.

When it comes to my friends it doesn't get a whole lot better. While I had to tell my parents ofcourse (I do want them to get along and accept us), I'm a bit more reluctant when it comes to friends. Some of my friends get along with him, but most just don't get it and seem to be mainly worried that I will end up a *******. The fact that I actually want this life and enjoy it is for some reason so out of their comfort zones, that they assume I am some dumb victim. Other friends I just don't tell. Same at the office: my private life stays private. So in a way I lead two seperate lives, but I can't really keep that up. I pretty much life at his place already, but I would like to move in with him some time soon and I'm kinda scared how that would affect the relationship with my friends. And yes, one day I would like to marry him and get his ******* too. Both of my parents would have a heart attack if I did that Anyway, sorry, for the rant. I'm just kinda sad and angry because of all of this and I had to get this of my chest. I thought there actually might be people here that have been in similar situations and...I don't know. End rant

You have to live for your happiness. When you've had enough... You won't be hesitant.

 

[houstonj832]

Heya. I have an issue that was been troubling me for a while now and I guess I just want to get it of my chest and perhaps even get a bit of advice. Thing is I have been leading a double life for too long now and I'm just getting soooo tired of it. The life with my BF (who I have dating for three years) and the life with the other people in my life don't go that well together. My family, friends and people at my work they are all stuck-up upperclass white people. I don't see that as something bad per se, but it is what they are. Boyfriend is totally different though: raised in a bad neighbourhood mainly by his mom, because his dad was jail half the time, poor eduction (though he is pretty smart), hangs in questionable social circles and he's black. He is doing great in his own way, though the way he makes his money is rather frowned upon by 'my kind of people'. He is a great guy and we really click incredibly both sexually and personally, but it comes pretty close to my parents worst nightmare. They are pretty worried about the perfect future they always had in mind for me. The fact that sex plays such a big role in our relationship doesn't help either. I actually get that, but it's my life and I'm smart enough to make my own decissions. I sometimes take him to my parents, but that just feels awkward. It's not like they don't try and Chris tries as well, but perhaps the gap between them is just waaaaay to big. I know they think I'm making a mistake and rather see me dating some stuck-up upperclass white guy, but that just isn't going to happen.

When it comes to my friends it doesn't get a whole lot better. While I had to tell my parents ofcourse (I do want them to get along and accept us), I'm a bit more reluctant when it comes to friends. Some of my friends get along with him, but most just don't get it and seem to be mainly worried that I will end up a *******. The fact that I actually want this life and enjoy it is for some reason so out of their comfort zones, that they assume I am some dumb victim. Other friends I just don't tell. Same at the office: my private life stays private. So in a way I lead two seperate lives, but I can't really keep that up. I pretty much life at his place already, but I would like to move in with him some time soon and I'm kinda scared how that would affect the relationship with my friends. And yes, one day I would like to marry him and get his ******* too. Both of my parents would have a heart attack if I did that Anyway, sorry, for the rant. I'm just kinda sad and angry because of all of this and I had to get this of my chest. I thought there actually might be people here that have been in similar situations and...I don't know. End rant

Don't let other people live your life for you, make your own decisions and be happy with the decision that you made

 

[LisaLovesBlack]

You live for yourself, not other people. From the people I have known who faced similar challenges and went through with being with the black man they were dating, most of them had their family come around and accept the black man as part of the family. Maybe their family members still weren't crazy about it because of their apparent racism, but they accepted the choices of their *******/sister/etc. A few others though, had their family disown them. It's a shame there are still people like that, but they're out there. But these women went on to enjoy a life with the black man they were dating and started families of their own.

So you can take the risk and enjoy your own choices, or you can do what 'raf' suggested above. Although I can understand that it's much more than sex with your current boyfriend, so the alternate isn't nearly as appealing.

No, the cuckolding thing really doesn't appeal to in any way. Thanx for your input. I'm not that worried about my parents disowning me or anything like that, but it is rather complex.

 

[LisaLovesBlack]

Idk ? if your name is Lisa or not, but do you really want an honest and good advice, or want to hear what you want to hear ??

First, do you think ? or believe this is the right place, or people here to ask for an advice about your situation?

Second, read some of my previous posts, and let me know if you still want my advice?

I don't really think there is a right place for this. I wish I could discuss this with my mom or with my friends and I sometimes do, but most of them have a very similar angle. White girlfriends of friends of my BF mainly have a different background and perhaps their sex lives are a little bit more vanilla. I don't know, their situations are just different. What it comes down to is that I don't know any women that are or have been in a similar situation and I thought here I might actually find some. I am aware that on a forum like this I might not get any answer that actually helps, but I guess I was kinda pissed off when I made that post yesterday and primarily wanted to rent. Some advice would be nice, but I'm not sure a man's perspective would be all that helpful. I mean I appreciate it, but you can't really walk in my heels So that answers your second question I guess.

 

[Harduk]

Ease up on yourself at least you’re being open about the issue I’ll happily chat to you privately if you want

 

[m and d]

How old are you? It sounds like you are probably in your 20's in which case keep having fun. If your BF and you are truly serious and you get to the point where you want to start a family, do what all other women do to men in that situation, make him better. Help him along his journey. I am not saying making dude into Carlton Banks, but making him a better version of himself will make it easier in the crusty white group gatherings.

If it is just about fucking, keep fucking.

 

[LisaLovesBlack]

Thanks both of you! Yes, I'm in my 20's, I actually turned 25 last week. Lol, I'm so not gonna turn him into Carlton Banks I get what you say about making him a better version of himself, but I also kinda like that raw version of him. It is a huge part of why I'm so into him. I'm not gonna take the jungle out of him. Ofcourse there are certain things that can (and perhaps should) change without changing him too much. And I guess that's already happening, but perhaps we should work on that a little bit more. Especially if we are going to live together. As long as he still behaves the way that comes natural to him when he is around me though Perhaps I want to eat the cake and have it too much...

 

[James Moody]

Thanks both of you! Yes, I'm in my 20's, I actually turned 25 last week. Lol, I'm so not gonna turn him into Carlton Banks I get what you say about making him a better version of himself, but I also kinda like that raw version of him. It is a huge part of why I'm so into him. I'm not gonna take the jungle out of him. Ofcourse there are certain things that can (and perhaps should) change without changing him too much. And I guess that's already happening, but perhaps we should work on that a little bit more. Especially if we are going to live together. As long as he still behaves the way that comes natural to him when he is around me though Perhaps I want to eat the cake and have it too much...

First thing I'm going to say is: what's the use of having cake if you're going to eat it? Go ahead and get as fat as you want - you'll have 1,000 suitors to help you burn it off with constant sex - trust me. On to your issue, check your private messages.

x

 

[MagicMikeATX]

Heya. I have an issue that was been troubling me for a while now and I guess I just want to get it of my chest and perhaps even get a bit of advice. Thing is I have been leading a double life for too long now and I'm just getting soooo tired of it. The life with my BF (who I have dating for three years) and the life with the other people in my life don't go that well together. My family, friends and people at my work they are all stuck-up upperclass white people. I don't see that as something bad per se, but it is what they are. Boyfriend is totally different though: raised in a bad neighbourhood mainly by his mom, because his dad was jail half the time, poor eduction (though he is pretty smart), hangs in questionable social circles and he's black. He is doing great in his own way, though the way he makes his money is rather frowned upon by 'my kind of people'. He is a great guy and we really click incredibly both sexually and personally, but it comes pretty close to my parents worst nightmare. They are pretty worried about the perfect future they always had in mind for me. The fact that sex plays such a big role in our relationship doesn't help either. I actually get that, but it's my life and I'm smart enough to make my own decissions. I sometimes take him to my parents, but that just feels awkward. It's not like they don't try and Chris tries as well, but perhaps the gap between them is just waaaaay to big. I know they think I'm making a mistake and rather see me dating some stuck-up upperclass white guy, but that just isn't going to happen.

When it comes to my friends it doesn't get a whole lot better. While I had to tell my parents ofcourse (I do want them to get along and accept us), I'm a bit more reluctant when it comes to friends. Some of my friends get along with him, but most just don't get it and seem to be mainly worried that I will end up a *******. The fact that I actually want this life and enjoy it is for some reason so out of their comfort zones, that they assume I am some dumb victim. Other friends I just don't tell. Same at the office: my private life stays private. So in a way I lead two seperate lives, but I can't really keep that up. I pretty much life at his place already, but I would like to move in with him some time soon and I'm kinda scared how that would affect the relationship with my friends. And yes, one day I would like to marry him and get his ******* too. Both of my parents would have a heart attack if I did that Anyway, sorry, for the rant. I'm just kinda sad and angry because of all of this and I had to get this of my chest. I thought there actually might be people here that have been in similar situations and...I don't know. End rant

Lisa, there is a lot to unpack here.

As a successful black man who grew up in conditions similar to your boyfriend Chris (welfare, housing projects, subpar schooling) I can totally relate to this situation. The way you laid out your situation is time Immortal... whether it was Romeo and Juliet (montagues and the caplets) , or something similar to West Side Story, the classic good girl / bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks. But, in the end love conquers all.

At least you have the courage to stick to your own convictions. You will not be the first nor the last to go through this. Consider the Loving case, Loving vs Virginia, a landmark decision that lifted the ban on interracial marriages. Thankfully, you and your boyfriend do not have to go through that in 2019! In this Society you can love someone freely whoever it is. No one's relationship is perfect, and there will always be haters LOL whether it's family or friends or others.

Take it from someone who's had multiple interracial relationships from women of different backgrounds and nationalities. In the end, your happiness is all that matters.

Final point, don't measure a man by his upbringing, but by his character. Black Men in America... We find success DESPITE obstacles in our society, which actually makes us stronger.

It goes well beyond sexual prowess and penis size ??

- Magic Mike

 

[MagicMikeATX]

Help him along his journey. I am not saying making dude into Carlton Banks, but making him a better version of himself will make it easier in the crusty white group gatherings.

If it is just about fucking, keep fucking.

. Lol, I'm so not gonna turn him into Carlton Banks I get what you say about making him a better version of himself, but I also kinda like that raw version of him. It is a huge part of why I'm so into him. I'm not gonna take the jungle out of him.

Yeah... I am not feeling this implied Tarzan/King Kong jungle reference at all.?

Now you are asserting that a Young black man need some kind of 'white savior' help. I'm going to categorically speak against that. Let's be clear about one thing, if you meet a person and claim to love them, you love them for what they are not for what you want them to be , that would go the same for man or woman of any background.
Also, if if you've never been in an interracial or mixed relationship I would suggest you go somewhere, have a seat, and ******* a steaming hot cup of STFU ??

That is the sort of destructive White Privilege talk that is counter-conducive for what it means to EMBRACE DIFFERENCES, not to change a person. That way of thinking is not even racial based, that never works in ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Final note, Carlton Banks catches an unfair reputation because of the stereotypes of what a black male should look and sound like. In fact Carlton Banks was the product of a hard-working black ******* who raised his ******* to have a better life. That issue was actually addressed in several episodes of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But, as always white people missed the point of what it means to be a black male in America.

- mic drop Mike

 

[LisaLovesBlack]

Yeah... I am not feeling this implied Tarzan/King Kong jungle reference at all.?

I will respond to rest of the posts later on, but I do want to set this straight first. I can understand that you might have taken that the wrong way, but this is actually something my BF says when we are having discussions about this. My parents and friends, well they are rather polished, but I like the way my BF is more raw or, if you will, more authentic. And that's something he is proud about too. To him and me that 'jungle' is about authenticity, but I get that you might have gotten that wrong.

As for a 'young black man needing white saviour': I don't think I said that in any way. I absolutely love him for the way he is (which I said more than once), but this side of our relationship would be a little easier if certain things would be a bit different. I think that's the way it goes in any relationship, but in ours it might be even a bit more difficult because of the totally different worlds we come from. Though it seems to be easier for me I have to addept too when I visit his family . And just to be clear: the things I was talking about when I mentioned changes have nothing to do with him being black. For example: he likes his weed (as do I). The first couple of times when we stayed at my parents he smoked weed. Because I know my parents are not okay with that, me and Chris talked about that and now he's not doing that anymore.

 

[James Moody]

I will respond to rest of the posts later on, but I do want to set this straight first. I can understand that you might have taken that the wrong way, but this is actually something my BF says when we are having discussions about this. My parents and friends, well they are rather polished, but I like the way my BF is more raw or, if you will, more authentic. And that's something he is proud about too. To him and me that 'jungle' is about authenticity, but I get that you might have gotten that wrong.

As for a 'young black man needing white saviour': I don't think I said that in any way. I absolutely love him for the way he is (which I said more than once), but this side of our relationship would be a little easier if certain things would be a bit different. I think that's the way it goes in any relationship, but in ours it might be even a bit more difficult because of the totally different worlds we come from. Though it seems to be easier for me I have to addept too when I visit his family . And just to be clear: the things I was talking about when I mentioned changes have nothing to do with him being black. For example: he likes his weed (as do I). The first couple of times when we stayed at my parents he smoked weed. Because I know my parents are not okay with that, me and Chris talked about that and now he's not doing that anymore.

I'd put the 'change him or accept him' points aside for the moment from your central question/issue: how do you deal with the two worlds you find yourself in. Yes, there is some overlap with the two, but as MagicMike said, there is a lot for you (or anyone) to unpack here...

 

[m and d]

Yeah... I am not feeling this implied Tarzan/King Kong jungle reference at all.?

Now you are asserting that a Young black man need some kind of 'white savior' help. I'm going to categorically speak against that. Let's be clear about one thing, if you meet a person and claim to love them, you love them for what they are not for what you want them to be , that would go the same for man or woman of any background.
Also, if if you've never been in an interracial or mixed relationship I would suggest you go somewhere, have a seat, and ******* a steaming hot cup of STFU ??

That is the sort of destructive White Privilege talk that is counter-conducive for what it means to EMBRACE DIFFERENCES, not to change a person. That way of thinking is not even racial based, that never works in ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Final note, Carlton Banks catches an unfair reputation because of the stereotypes of what a black male should look and sound like. In fact Carlton Banks was the product of a hard-working black ******* who raised his ******* to have a better life. That issue was actually addressed in several episodes of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But, as always white people missed the point of what it means to be a black male in America.

- mic drop Mike

Dont get wrapped up in casual conversation. I dont know what it means to be black and you dont know what it's like to be white, basic facts. My comment was about the standard of helping make someone stronger and better that occurs in a strong relationship. A man that hasnt changed in 20 years wasted that time.

Do you think Carlton Banks represents the black experience in America? I think embracing differences is great but people in a relationship have to work together to build that future. It's about coming together.


Honestly, experience differs vastly depending on all demographic factors.

It seems like more of a reference to dominant men in general of you ask me and less about being a white savior. You want to make a guy softer, give him a *******.

 

[MagicMikeATX]

I will respond to rest of the posts later on, but I do want to set this straight first. I can understand that you might have taken that the wrong way, but this is actually something my BF says when we are having discussions about this. My parents and friends, well they are rather polished, but I like the way my BF is more raw or, if you will, more authentic. And that's something he is proud about too. To him and me that 'jungle' is about authenticity, but I get that you might have gotten that wrong.

As for a 'young black man needing white saviour': I don't think I said that in any way. I absolutely love him for the way he is (which I said more than once), but this side of our relationship would be a little easier if certain things would be a bit different. I think that's the way it goes in any relationship, but in ours it might be even a bit more difficult because of the totally different worlds we come from. Though it seems to be easier for me I have to addept too when I visit his family . And just to be clear: the things I was talking about when I mentioned changes have nothing to do with him being black. For example: he likes his weed (as do I). The first couple of times when we stayed at my parents he smoked weed. Because I know my parents are not okay with that, me and Chris talked about that and now he's not doing that anymore.

If you noticed I responded directly to your first post With all sincerity based on the assumptions that you have good intentions.

But that second post coupled with the other response was a little bit out of bounds, and since Chris is not here to speak for himself I'm just playing Devil's Advocate.

Especially when it comes to white people trying to demonstrate the relationship between a black man and a white woman without themselves having been in one