Dealing with seperate lives

[LisaLovesBlack]

Heya. I have an issue that was been troubling me for a while now and I guess I just want to get it of my chest and perhaps even get a bit of advice. Thing is I have been leading a double life for too long now and I'm just getting soooo tired of it. The life with my BF (who I have dating for three years) and the life with the other people in my life don't go that well together. My family, friends and people at my work they are all stuck-up upperclass white people. I don't see that as something bad per se, but it is what they are. Boyfriend is totally different though: raised in a bad neighbourhood mainly by his mom, because his dad was jail half the time, poor eduction (though he is pretty smart), hangs in questionable social circles and he's black. He is doing great in his own way, though the way he makes his money is rather frowned upon by 'my kind of people'. He is a great guy and we really click incredibly both sexually and personally, but it comes pretty close to my parents worst nightmare. They are pretty worried about the perfect future they always had in mind for me. The fact that sex plays such a big role in our relationship doesn't help either. I actually get that, but it's my life and I'm smart enough to make my own decissions. I sometimes take him to my parents, but that just feels awkward. It's not like they don't try and Chris tries as well, but perhaps the gap between them is just waaaaay to big. I know they think I'm making a mistake and rather see me dating some stuck-up upperclass white guy, but that just isn't going to happen.

When it comes to my friends it doesn't get a whole lot better. While I had to tell my parents ofcourse (I do want them to get along and accept us), I'm a bit more reluctant when it comes to friends. Some of my friends get along with him, but most just don't get it and seem to be mainly worried that I will end up a *******. The fact that I actually want this life and enjoy it is for some reason so out of their comfort zones, that they assume I am some dumb victim. Other friends I just don't tell. Same at the office: my private life stays private. So in a way I lead two seperate lives, but I can't really keep that up. I pretty much life at his place already, but I would like to move in with him some time soon and I'm kinda scared how that would affect the relationship with my friends. And yes, one day I would like to marry him and get his ******* too. Both of my parents would have a heart attack if I did that Anyway, sorry, for the rant. I'm just kinda sad and angry because of all of this and I had to get this of my chest. I thought there actually might be people here that have been in similar situations and...I don't know. End rant

 

[MagicMikeATX]

Dont get wrapped up in casual conversation. I dont know what it means to be black and you dont know what it's like to be white, basic facts. My comment was about the standard of helping make someone stronger and better that occurs in a strong relationship. A man that hasnt changed in 20 years wasted that time.

Do you think Carlton Banks represents the black experience in America? I think embracing differences is great but people in a relationship have to work together to build that future. It's about coming together.


Honestly, experience differs vastly depending on all demographic factors.

It seems like more of a reference to dominant men in general of you ask me and less about being a white savior. You want to make a guy softer, give him a *******.

Oh trust me, I'm not getting wrapped up in casual conversation, but there's a difference between making General assumptions about ******* you have no idea about, and what you refer to as 'casual conversation'.

Also, you have no idea what her boyfriend has or has not achieved in 20 years again you're just making a broad generalization a based on stereotypical assumptions.

As for the Carlton Banks comment? Yes motherfuker, that is part of the black experience in America!

Maybe it's not the Black America YOU'VE SEEN, But there are absolutely affluent black people in America. Now you're assuming all black people share the exact same experience of being Thugs and coming from broken homes. I'll just put the words in your mouth for you since you seem so nonplussed that a carlton Banks could and does exist.

The entire diaspora of Black America is not all about smoking weed and gangbanging, dick head.

- magnanimous Mike

 

[m and d]

Oh trust me, I'm not getting wrapped up in casual conversation, but there's a difference between making General assumptions about ******* you have no idea about, and what you refer to as 'casual conversation'.

Also, you have no idea what her boyfriend has or has not achieved in 20 years again you're just making a broad generalization a based on stereotypical assumptions.

As for the Carlton Banks comment? Yes motherfuker, that is part of the black experience in America!

Maybe it's not the Black America YOU'VE SEEN, But there are absolutely affluent black people in America. Now you're assuming all black people share the exact same experience of being Thugs and coming from broken homes. I'll just put the words in your mouth for you since you seem so nonplussed that a carlton Banks could and does exist.

The entire diaspora of Black America is not all about smoking weed and gangbanging, dick head.

- magnanimous Mike

Fired up, I love it!

You have no idea what her boyfriend is up to, but based on her thread, doesnt sound like its great.

The only thing I am assuming at this point is your a fucking loudmouth that cannot have a conversation. Only thing I am assuming is your soft since you cannot have a conversation.

I work in DC, a very diverse area of the country and there are plenty of affluent black people. I grew up in LA, very diverse spot. I went to high school in Tampa. I live in a pretty white area of NY and the few black people in my circle are affluent.

I spent 10 years in the Army, the greatest equalizer there is.

If you care about making the black experience better you should care about engaging people just like me because I listen. Calling me a name only makes me call you a name back.

 

[m and d]

Fired up, I love it!

You have no idea what her boyfriend is up to, but based on her thread, doesnt sound like its great.

The only thing I am assuming at this point is your a fucking loudmouth that cannot have a conversation. Only thing I am assuming is your soft since you cannot have a conversation.

I work in DC, a very diverse area of the country and there are plenty of affluent black people. I grew up in LA, very diverse spot. I went to high school in Tampa. I live in a pretty white area of NY and the few black people in my circle are affluent.

I spent 10 years in the Army, the greatest equalizer there is.

If you care about making the black experience better you should care about engaging people just like me because I listen. Calling me a name only makes me call you a name back.

And since you blocked me you have proven my point...cannot handle conversation.

 

[LisaLovesBlack]

You have no idea what her boyfriend is up to, but based on her thread, doesnt sound like its great.

Uhm, excuse me? What he is up to? Although I do appreciate a lot of the feedback I got, perhaps this was indeed not the right place to put this either.

 

[m and d]

Uhm, excuse me? What he is up to? Although I do appreciate a lot of the feedback I got, perhaps this was indeed not the right place to put this either.

You said the way he makes money is frowned upon?

Long as it's legal who cares. That's my reference, if that's incorrect my bad.

 

[C The Creator]

Heya. I have an issue that was been troubling me for a while now and I guess I just want to get it of my chest and perhaps even get a bit of advice. Thing is I have been leading a double life for too long now and I'm just getting soooo tired of it. The life with my BF (who I have dating for three years) and the life with the other people in my life don't go that well together. My family, friends and people at my work they are all stuck-up upperclass white people. I don't see that as something bad per se, but it is what they are. Boyfriend is totally different though: raised in a bad neighbourhood mainly by his mom, because his dad was jail half the time, poor eduction (though he is pretty smart), hangs in questionable social circles and he's black. He is doing great in his own way, though the way he makes his money is rather frowned upon by 'my kind of people'. He is a great guy and we really click incredibly both sexually and personally, but it comes pretty close to my parents worst nightmare. They are pretty worried about the perfect future they always had in mind for me. The fact that sex plays such a big role in our relationship doesn't help either. I actually get that, but it's my life and I'm smart enough to make my own decissions. I sometimes take him to my parents, but that just feels awkward. It's not like they don't try and Chris tries as well, but perhaps the gap between them is just waaaaay to big. I know they think I'm making a mistake and rather see me dating some stuck-up upperclass white guy, but that just isn't going to happen.

When it comes to my friends it doesn't get a whole lot better. While I had to tell my parents ofcourse (I do want them to get along and accept us), I'm a bit more reluctant when it comes to friends. Some of my friends get along with him, but most just don't get it and seem to be mainly worried that I will end up a *******. The fact that I actually want this life and enjoy it is for some reason so out of their comfort zones, that they assume I am some dumb victim. Other friends I just don't tell. Same at the office: my private life stays private. So in a way I lead two seperate lives, but I can't really keep that up. I pretty much life at his place already, but I would like to move in with him some time soon and I'm kinda scared how that would affect the relationship with my friends. And yes, one day I would like to marry him and get his ******* too. Both of my parents would have a heart attack if I did that Anyway, sorry, for the rant. I'm just kinda sad and angry because of all of this and I had to get this of my chest. I thought there actually might be people here that have been in similar situations and...I don't know. End rant

That is a loyal white woman. I've seen similar situations and been in similar. Though I try not to go as hard as he is and I don't fully know exactly what he does out on "his grind" I've been viewed a certain way by the parents and later they found out it wasn't the case.

But you stayed with him after all of that? I applaud you. I know many who would've left or have left because of the stigma and negativity they get from some people. BUT DAM let me give you a black hand. ????????

As for everyone, you like what you like.

 

[C The Creator]

Heya. I have an issue that was been troubling me for a while now and I guess I just want to get it of my chest and perhaps even get a bit of advice. Thing is I have been leading a double life for too long now and I'm just getting soooo tired of it. The life with my BF (who I have dating for three years) and the life with the other people in my life don't go that well together. My family, friends and people at my work they are all stuck-up upperclass white people. I don't see that as something bad per se, but it is what they are. Boyfriend is totally different though: raised in a bad neighbourhood mainly by his mom, because his dad was jail half the time, poor eduction (though he is pretty smart), hangs in questionable social circles and he's black. He is doing great in his own way, though the way he makes his money is rather frowned upon by 'my kind of people'. He is a great guy and we really click incredibly both sexually and personally, but it comes pretty close to my parents worst nightmare. They are pretty worried about the perfect future they always had in mind for me. The fact that sex plays such a big role in our relationship doesn't help either. I actually get that, but it's my life and I'm smart enough to make my own decissions. I sometimes take him to my parents, but that just feels awkward. It's not like they don't try and Chris tries as well, but perhaps the gap between them is just waaaaay to big. I know they think I'm making a mistake and rather see me dating some stuck-up upperclass white guy, but that just isn't going to happen.

When it comes to my friends it doesn't get a whole lot better. While I had to tell my parents ofcourse (I do want them to get along and accept us), I'm a bit more reluctant when it comes to friends. Some of my friends get along with him, but most just don't get it and seem to be mainly worried that I will end up a *******. The fact that I actually want this life and enjoy it is for some reason so out of their comfort zones, that they assume I am some dumb victim. Other friends I just don't tell. Same at the office: my private life stays private. So in a way I lead two seperate lives, but I can't really keep that up. I pretty much life at his place already, but I would like to move in with him some time soon and I'm kinda scared how that would affect the relationship with my friends. And yes, one day I would like to marry him and get his ******* too. Both of my parents would have a heart attack if I did that Anyway, sorry, for the rant. I'm just kinda sad and angry because of all of this and I had to get this of my chest. I thought there actually might be people here that have been in similar situations and...I don't know. End rant

But if it's legal who cares

 

[Easygliderpro]

I don't really think there is a right place for this. I wish I could discuss this with my mom or with my friends and I sometimes do, but most of them have a very similar angle. White girlfriends of friends of my BF mainly have a different background and perhaps their sex lives are a little bit more vanilla. I don't know, their situations are just different. What it comes down to is that I don't know any women that are or have been in a similar situation and I thought here I might actually find some. I am aware that on a forum like this I might not get any answer that actually helps, but I guess I was kinda pissed off when I made that post yesterday and primarily wanted to rent. Some advice would be nice, but I'm not sure a man's perspective would be all that helpful. I mean I appreciate it, but you can't really walk in my heels So that answers your second question I guess.

“Some advice would be nice, but I'm not sure a man's perspective would be all that helpful. I mean I appreciate it, but you can't really walk in my heels So that answers your second question I guess.”

I don't really think there is a right place for this. I wish I could discuss this with my mom or with my friends and I sometimes do, but most of them have a very similar angle. White girlfriends of friends of my BF mainly have a different background and perhaps their sex lives are a little bit more vanilla. I don't know, their situations are just different. What it comes down to is that I don't know any women that are or have been in a similar situation and I thought here I might actually find some. I am aware that on a forum like this I might not get any answer that actually helps, but I guess I was kinda pissed off when I made that post yesterday and primarily wanted to rent. Some advice would be nice, but I'm not sure a man's perspective would be all that helpful. I mean I appreciate it, but you can't really walk in my heels So that answers your second question I guess.

”Some advice would be nice, but I'm not sure a man's perspective would be all that helpful. I mean I appreciate it, but you can't really walk in my heels So that answers your second question I guess.”

This is NOT about black or white, rich or poor, young or old, smart or dumb.... etc.

You’ve already made up you mind. Just like all or most of us, you are living in a flesh. Do you really think ? you are in love ?.?

Unfortunately, you are are blinded by your sexual lust in a flesh. Simply put; you are young, dumb and full of lust. Are you upset ? now? Good, because lust is like icing on a cake ?, it looks n tastes good for a short while, same as any relationship will disappear and fade away as the icing, if no love n trust is the concrete foundation.

The fact is that life is not full of gentle breezes and warm sun. There are turbulent times and tough times ahead. I am not a pessimist and I am not an extremist. I am a realist, and I can say with confidence because I’ve been looking through the lens of Scripture at human history that tough times are ahead and turbulent seas.


I’ve often heard people say their marriage was “made in heaven.” And while I do believe marriages are made in heaven, I also believe marriages are made on earth.

But sadly, in our culture today couples spend more time working on their wedding day than on their marriage. And the results are devastating.

Does he really love and honor you? If you are wondering how to show honor, think of it like this. To honor you, it means to see you as a treasure, to hold you dear, and to cherish you as a precious gift.

If you ready to commit and marry this man, there are nine things every woman whose becoming a wife needs from her future husband, but I will list them only if you want to know and ready to share them with him, otherwise it’s useless to you n him now...

If you want to understand your mate and create a good, fulfilling marriage, you have to understand your responsibilities as a spouse.


No Jesus, No peace
Know Jesus, know peace

 

[NikoR]

Her is my advice for you. You are showing you love for your man the wrong way. You need to be proud of who you are and how you were raised. This does not mean looking down on someone that was less fortunate but just understand that things were different. You don’t need to curse yourself and everything that was provided from your parents as if it was wrong. Every parent wants the best for their baby. You will as well.
If you really like this person challenged them to do what’s in their best interest. If the way he makes money is questionable, is that in his best interest or yours. How long can that be sustainable.. you are young today, but one day you will be older and wiser and want more out of live than sex and a bad boy.
if you care for him help him get ahead the right way. Get an education,. Get a dependable job that can support a family.
Black men don’t need white women creating this since of accomplishment because you except us in the bedroom.. we are more than that.

I hate that stereotype.. we are just as capable as any other man.. ******* him to deliver for you that way. There is no future in being a thug!!!

 

[LisaLovesBlack]

Okay, thanx for replying! I do appreciate that a lot I think one thing that might make a bit of difference with your own experiences: I am not from the US. In the Netherlands we have our own problems, but it is a different culture and has a different history. I am aware that we have our own racial issues, but the division between black and white and rich and poor is perhaps not as big as it is the US. At the least it is different from the US.

I know my own happiness should be in first place, but I think that's easier said than done. I love Chris, I love my parents, I love my friends and I love my job. I'd rather create a situation that works for all/most of them at least part of the time, then having to chose between them. Mainly because I at least have the hope that that's possible. I don't expect things to be perfect, but it would be nice they could get a bit closer. I don't expect all of that have to come from Chris though, I do expect my parents to make at least as much effort. And like I said, both try, but it's just hard. Their worlds are just very different.

And yes, I know that a relationship goes beyond prowess and penis size. I know that it's not all about lust. Our relationship isn't about a stereotype, but we do happen to be two people with a very high sex drive and perhaps some kinks that are different from others. But that doesn't mean that our relationship is less serious, is it? Sex plays a very big part in our relationship, but it's not like it's all there is.

 

[NikoR]

Okay, thanx for replying! I do appreciate that a lot I think one thing that might make a bit of difference with your own experiences: I am not from the US. In the Netherlands we have our own problems, but it is a different culture and has a different history. I am aware that we have our own racial issues, but the division between black and white and rich and poor is perhaps not as big as it is the US. At the least it is different from the US.

I know my own happiness should be in first place, but I think that's easier said than done. I love Chris, I love my parents, I love my friends and I love my job. I'd rather create a situation that works for all/most of them at least part of the time, then having to chose between them. Mainly because I at least have the hope that that's possible. I don't expect things to be perfect, but it would be nice they could get a bit closer. I don't expect all of that have to come from Chris though, I do expect my parents to make at least as much effort. And like I said, both try, but it's just hard. Their worlds are just very different.

And yes, I know that a relationship goes beyond prowess and penis size. I know that it's not all about lust. Our relationship isn't about a stereotype, but we do happen to be two people with a very high sex drive and perhaps some kinks that are different from others. But that doesn't mean that our relationship is less serious, is it? Sex plays a very big part in our relationship, but it's not like it's all there is.

Ok,., you are correct. I was assuming that you are in the US.

if your relationship with your parents is important then let Chris know and let him offer some sort of jesture that is an open arm statement,.. then the next move is on your parents.

don’t underestimate the influence of sex, it can create an allusion of love but in reality that’s not the case.

 

[LisaLovesBlack]

don’t underestimate the influence of sex, it can create an allusion of love but in reality that’s not the case.

I don't think I do. I mean, it's not like I've been with him for just a couple of weeks. I do understand your point, but it's not like having a whole lot of sex means you can't love the person. If our relationship was only sex I would agree, but I think we both see it as more than that.

And well, I've been thinking myself too. Perhaps if I want to move in with Chris we should invite my parents some time for dinner. We would clean up the house properly, but I guess that's the least we can do. Chris is really a great cook (love Caribbean food!!!) and perhaps that way they could see a different side of him.

 

[NikoR]

I don't think I do. I mean, it's not like I've been with him for just a couple of weeks. I do understand your point, but it's not like having a whole lot of sex means you can't love the person. If our relationship was only sex I would agree, but I think we both see it as more than that.

And well, I've been thinking myself too. Perhaps if I want to move in with Chris we should invite my parents some time for dinner. We would clean up the house properly, but I guess that's the least we can do. Chris is really a great cook (love Caribbean food!!!) and perhaps that way they could see a different side of him.

don’t move in without a commitment for marriage.. don’t do it, you are over committing let him make a that move... women today need to slow down. Simma!

 

[LisaLovesBlack]

Thanks for your concern I have to say here too there is a difference between the US and the Netherlands (or large parts of Europe). We just don't see mariage the same way as Americans do. And besides that: I already make the same amount of money he does and that will probably only increase, so that's not something I really need to worry about.

 

[NikoR]

It’s not about money or marriage it’s about how you view him in your life. He’s not an accessory that you put on.. let him honor you by asking if you want to move to a more committed relationship with you.
Marriage is marriage US or abroad.. it’s about a committed relationship where both honor the spouses. It has nothing to do with were you live.

 

[LisaLovesBlack]

I do want to get married, but to me that has very little to do with the commitment of my relationship.

 

[EnglishCuckG]

Lol yes that might be a whole lot easier, but it wouldn't really work for me...

Why wouldn't that work?? Im curious to know ?

 

[Nymedic81]

Sounds like your family and friends are just hoping you are going through an jungle fever trend of your life that you will just end when you get older. I’m sure many parents and friends are like that. From your original post I’m catching very vaguely that you might be doing some sexual things for him and you are enjoying that kink. Seems like you are enjoying this type of life with your bf. Sex is very important in an relationship so if the sex is good and not vanilla as you seem to suggest, is good. This is your life. How much you want to keep secret and private and other parts that you want to reveal to friends and family is up to. Is your bf serious about possibly marrying you one day? Maybe your friends and family don’t see him as being an serious relationship type of guy. Sometimes we can can get effectuated with an person and become blind to other aspects that others pick up on. Maybe your friends and family are seeing something or catching an vibe that you aren’t. If he doesn’t seem like an serious guy about marriage after moving and living with him and after 2-3 years of the relationship then you may have to think about breaking it off. He might be just in it for the sex and kink! Remember you can never change an player or take the hood out of an hood rat!

It’s nice to see something real like this in the website. A lot of fakes and fantasy in here so it’s nice to see someone in the interracial dating mix with some social and family problems. Good luck and be safe!

 

[Dsbakersfield]

You said he makes his money in a bad why, and your friends are worried you might get pimped. If you could explain this a little that would be helpful. If it is purely they don't like him because he is black then they should kick rocks. However if they are concerned he is into crime and might drag you along into that world they are just being good friend and parents. Sometimes people can see things much more clearly when they are not wrapped up in it so deep.

I think you are entitled to your happiness but I think you should also give your friends and parents a bit more credit and try to hear them out. In the end you should make your mind up and live free and stop being afraid of what people think of you

 

[LisaLovesBlack]

Sounds like your family and friends are just hoping you are going through an jungle fever trend of your life that you will just end when you get older. I’m sure many parents and friends are like that. From your original post I’m catching very vaguely that you might be doing some sexual things for him and you are enjoying that kink. Seems like you are enjoying this type of life with your bf. Sex is very important in an relationship so if the sex is good and not vanilla as you seem to suggest, is good. This is your life. How much you want to keep secret and private and other parts that you want to reveal to friends and family is up to. Is your bf serious about possibly marrying you one day? Maybe your friends and family don’t see him as being an serious relationship type of guy. Sometimes we can can get effectuated with an person and become blind to other aspects that others pick up on. Maybe your friends and family are seeing something or catching an vibe that you aren’t. If he doesn’t seem like an serious guy about marriage after moving and living with him and after 2-3 years of the relationship then you may have to think about breaking it off. He might be just in it for the sex and kink! Remember you can never change an player or take the hood out of an hood rat!

It’s nice to see something real like this in the website. A lot of fakes and fantasy in here so it’s nice to see someone in the interracial dating mix with some social and family problems. Good luck and be safe!

Thanx Yes, I do think my family and friends think that this is just a phase for me. And they also assume that he just likes me for the sex. But they aren't the ones in this relationship and they have hardly tried to get to know him. Sure, I have thought about him just seeing me as his fucktoy too. We did start out that way and I didn't mind that at all. I didn't even think of a relationship the first year or so. But during the time we also got closer. Sex still plays a huge role in relationship, but it has become a lot more personal too. It's not just about sex anymore.