As I have stated many times, I write from my direct experience with my own preferences, viewpoints, and attitudes. As with all things lifestyle: take what serves you and leave the rest if it does not apply to you!
We are getting ready to attend our second large lifestyle party: Splash Mocha in Houston. It is a very large hotel takeover for couples and single females who love black men. I’m not a swinger and had never been to a lifestyle party in my life before Splash Mocha last year. I arrived pretty shell shocked: not only because everyone had been locked down for 2+ years with Covid, but walking into a hotel full of people hoping to have copious amounts of sex seemed daunting to me.
We met some FABULOUS other couples and a handful of thoughtful men, and I did manage to find one person to spend a bit of time with there. I was eternally thankful I wasn’t the only woman in history to go to a giant party like this and not get laid!
Meeting lovers or bulls is never easy (especially in a geographic area with very poor diversity.) I prefer men of color as my first boyfriend was black, and I’ve dated interracially all my life. I was fortunate enough to meet my darling husband about eight years ago, and we established on the first date that I would not be monogamous and had a preference for black lovers. He’s good with it, and we have a wonderful relationship.
I’m not a candidate for the “swinger” lifestyle. I am both sapiosexual and demisexual, meaning I need connection and some intellectual heft before my libido ignites. With my limited understanding of the typical “swinger” candidate: seeking connection and conversation is rarely at the top of the list.
I thought I’d outline how “evolved bulls” manage themselves vs. others who do not have the same emotional or relational intelligence. I’ve found plenty of quality men who were both willing and eager to be friends, have an ongoing connection, and manage themselves in an exemplary manner. I’ve also found LOTS I could not say the same things about. Here is my process to find someone who wants what I want ( the KEY to having what you want is to know what you want).
Bulls that make the cut:
b. that all they need to thrill me is bring an erection
c. that I exist for their own kink or pleasure
I am not at ALL submissive and resent that assumption. Ask me: I will tell you clearly. Most don’t think to ask. Then, they are surprised when they try to muscle me around. It does not go well.
You must bring your intelligence, manners, curiosity, and sense of humor if you want to spend time with me. If you think that is too much work, let’s get to NO as fast as possible; it will save us both time.
I do not exist to be your sex dispenser. I look for a win-win. Be curious about me and tell me about you. Won’t it yield an ecstatic experience if we excavate each other a bit? I’m going for a joyful, respectful connection and hopefully long-term. If that is not what you want, opt out early! I thrive on an intelligent conversation, a willingness to be curious and explore, and being unafraid to connect. I’m not asking to capture your soul but to be treated like another valued human, and it is not too much to ask.
How do you spot a candidate who might be a fit? One big clue is how he first approaches you. I assume for most people, this is online. If his first words to you are: “Send me naked pictures” or “Can I use all three holes?” this guy won’t get even a second conversation from me.
If, on the other hand, he opens with, “hey, you seem interesting; tell me a bit about you?” Or: “When you first meet someone, what qualities get your attention?” This is a person who is looking for where we might intersect. He is curious. Respectful. I’ll engage with this guy happily.
There is so much more involved with a cuckold relationship than a “swinger” connection. I often feel like a misfit at swinger events, so I don’t go to them. Mocha was different in that we had friends that had been before, and we spent time with them, taking the pressure off trying to find some random dude to hook up with.
The moral of my story: you can have anything you want in the lifestyle if you know yourself, know what you want, are clear on your agreements with your partner (if you have one), and can communicate honestly and authentically. Never settle. Go for what you want!
We are getting ready to attend our second large lifestyle party: Splash Mocha in Houston. It is a very large hotel takeover for couples and single females who love black men. I’m not a swinger and had never been to a lifestyle party in my life before Splash Mocha last year. I arrived pretty shell shocked: not only because everyone had been locked down for 2+ years with Covid, but walking into a hotel full of people hoping to have copious amounts of sex seemed daunting to me.
We met some FABULOUS other couples and a handful of thoughtful men, and I did manage to find one person to spend a bit of time with there. I was eternally thankful I wasn’t the only woman in history to go to a giant party like this and not get laid!
Meeting lovers or bulls is never easy (especially in a geographic area with very poor diversity.) I prefer men of color as my first boyfriend was black, and I’ve dated interracially all my life. I was fortunate enough to meet my darling husband about eight years ago, and we established on the first date that I would not be monogamous and had a preference for black lovers. He’s good with it, and we have a wonderful relationship.
I’m not a candidate for the “swinger” lifestyle. I am both sapiosexual and demisexual, meaning I need connection and some intellectual heft before my libido ignites. With my limited understanding of the typical “swinger” candidate: seeking connection and conversation is rarely at the top of the list.
I thought I’d outline how “evolved bulls” manage themselves vs. others who do not have the same emotional or relational intelligence. I’ve found plenty of quality men who were both willing and eager to be friends, have an ongoing connection, and manage themselves in an exemplary manner. I’ve also found LOTS I could not say the same things about. Here is my process to find someone who wants what I want ( the KEY to having what you want is to know what you want).
Bulls that make the cut:
- Do not make assumptions. Common assumptions I find:
b. that all they need to thrill me is bring an erection
c. that I exist for their own kink or pleasure
I am not at ALL submissive and resent that assumption. Ask me: I will tell you clearly. Most don’t think to ask. Then, they are surprised when they try to muscle me around. It does not go well.
You must bring your intelligence, manners, curiosity, and sense of humor if you want to spend time with me. If you think that is too much work, let’s get to NO as fast as possible; it will save us both time.
I do not exist to be your sex dispenser. I look for a win-win. Be curious about me and tell me about you. Won’t it yield an ecstatic experience if we excavate each other a bit? I’m going for a joyful, respectful connection and hopefully long-term. If that is not what you want, opt out early! I thrive on an intelligent conversation, a willingness to be curious and explore, and being unafraid to connect. I’m not asking to capture your soul but to be treated like another valued human, and it is not too much to ask.
How do you spot a candidate who might be a fit? One big clue is how he first approaches you. I assume for most people, this is online. If his first words to you are: “Send me naked pictures” or “Can I use all three holes?” this guy won’t get even a second conversation from me.
If, on the other hand, he opens with, “hey, you seem interesting; tell me a bit about you?” Or: “When you first meet someone, what qualities get your attention?” This is a person who is looking for where we might intersect. He is curious. Respectful. I’ll engage with this guy happily.
There is so much more involved with a cuckold relationship than a “swinger” connection. I often feel like a misfit at swinger events, so I don’t go to them. Mocha was different in that we had friends that had been before, and we spent time with them, taking the pressure off trying to find some random dude to hook up with.
The moral of my story: you can have anything you want in the lifestyle if you know yourself, know what you want, are clear on your agreements with your partner (if you have one), and can communicate honestly and authentically. Never settle. Go for what you want!
