Trying To Make Sense Of It All

Last night my husband caught me leaving our neighbor's house. I was wearing only my Summer nighty. I was walking across our driveway when my husband pulled up. My husband looked happy to see me but, differently than usual. My husband said I looked amazing, and he kissed me, with tongue, which he never does. My husband even put his hand between my legs, and he never makes sexual advances with me. It made me wonder what he already knew. I felt like life finally made sense to me. Although I had been sexual with other men, my husband still wanted me, and he had an erection. That hasn't happened in years. And he made love to me last night for close to an hour. He's never stayed hard that long before. This morning, when my husband left for work, he told me to have the best day possible, and that he hoped to want to make love to me again tonight. He said it would be up to me.

I never said anything about making love with our neighbors or their friends. My husband did tell me that I smelled of sex, and that it turned him on. And it was obvious. I wondered if he smelled it on my lips or if it eminated from between my legs. Either way, the smell made him want me. And having my husband want me is all I have ever wanted. We don't talk about sex, ever. Although, he does apologize for everything, even his lack of interest in having sex with me. And now I have come to realize that me having sex with other men has made my husband want me like never before. And he's even able to get erections again. This has all been therapeutic to both of us, or so it seems. Our lovemaking was amazing but, I have to wonder if it was all because I had sex with other men. And if that is the case, I believe that I may have to keep having sex with other men if I want the same affections from my husband.

My husband has never spoken to me about his sexual desires but, I feel I know at least one of them now. I have been sexual with all three of my neighbors, and I have been sexual with four of their friends. I have learned that I NEED sex, or the connection I feel when I am having sex. Sex last night was the best I'd ever had with my husband. And I believe it was because I had just had sex with six other men before him. And I believe that had I not had sex with the other men, my husband would not have wanted me. It's been three years since me and my husband had intercourse, and just as long since he's been able to get a full erection, let alone keep it for an extended period of time.

Although my husband is much smaller than my lovers, I still loved feeling my husband inside of me. The fact that other men making love to me makes my husband want me more still confuses me. The fact that I actually allowed several men to make love to me at the same time still confuses me but, I know it has been the right thing to do, for me, my husband and my marriage. My husband is a Christian man who is well respected in our church. And he has been a wonderful provider, other than sexually. We don't talk about sex, or sexual desires, because they are sinful, or can be. Yet, here I am having sex with other men, black men, and my husband is excited because of it, or so I assume. I know until last night my husband has never acted the way he did last night toward me. He was different somehow. And I wonder if it is because I am different now.

Sexually I guess my husband is not really needed but, emotionally I need him. I need to feel physically connected to him, too, though. I do enjoy the sex I have been having with our neighbors and their friends, and the sex last night with my husband was the best it has ever been. So, I have thought a lot about this and went to see the Pastor's wife this morning.

Our Pastors wife told me that most Christian men don't know how to voice their sexual desires to their wife. And sex within a Christian marriage should grow each and every day. She told me that often Christian men feel alone in and with their sexual desires. Then she asked me how I felt about giving oral sex. I told her that I enjoyed it. She then told me to keep up what I have been doing, because it was the right thing to do. She also told me that as my husband's wife, I should be willing to please him in anyway that I can, especially sexually. I told the Pastor's wife about me and my husband last night. And the Pastor's wife told me that whatever I had done, to keep it up, because it seemed to be working.

The Pastor's wife told me that I should never feel guilty about meeting my husband's sexual needs, and that as a Christian woman, this should be my main focus in my marriage, next to submission to God himself. She told me that when sexual thoughts become more prevalent, when the husband thinks more, sexually, about his wife, he is more easily aroused. She told me that I should do more to focus his thoughts on me, sexually. And that this would improve our relationship in and out of bed. The Pastor's wife stressed to me that a man's sexuality has a tremendous impact on his emotional, marital, and spiritual well-being. And that it needs to be fostered, daily. I asked the Pastor's wife how I should foster my husband's sexuality, and she told me to do whatever it was that excited him last night, and make it a daily habit. She told me, "If you really want his attention, work with the way God designed him." She added, "I believe that it is right and Godly to claim your husband's sexual desire as a potent source of influence and inspiration in your marriage."

Until now, all of this has confused me but, now I know that having sex with my black neighbors, and their friends, is what God intended for me and for my husband and our marriage. Because me having sex with other men excites my husband and makes him want me, it is right. I know it is, now. The thing is that doing the right thing doesn't always feel right, even though it is. I believe everything a couple includes in their sex life should build them up, and direct them towards each other. Me having sex with other men, black men, has brought us together in a way I had thought would never happen again.

I decided to attend a women's meeting after I spoke with the Pastor's wife. The subject turned to sex, oddly enough. And I was surprised to find women much older than myself talking about how often they and their husband don't have sex. A few of the women said they felt unwanted and unneeded by their husband. Another said that if she had the opportunity to go back in time she would have spent more time getting to know her husband before marrying him, and she probably wouldn't have, although they have been together for over fourty years. One woman admitted to the group that she, by accident, found out that her masturbating in front of her husband was all it took to get him excited in her as he had been years before.

I asked the older women in the meeting what they thought a man's sex drive should be. And it was universal. They all said that if your husband thinks that what you want to do, or what he wants you to do, is wrong or will hurt you, you have to let him know that God designed sex, and sex is not a bad thing. The concensus was, "Tell him you want to fulfill his sexual wants and desires completely. And then do it!" When I asked them how to ask my husband what it is that he truly desires, they told me that when I find what he truly desires, it will be more than obvious. One much older woman told me that her husband, when he was alive, liked to pretend she was a street slut, and liked to talk dirty to her. She said it took some time but, eventually she ended up liking it. And she missed it. Another older woman told us that her husband liked her to pretend that he was he lover, and that at any moment her husband might catch them.

Today has been a real eye opener for me. I thought that having sex with men who are not my husband was wrong, then I found that even the church says that if it is something that excites my husband, and makes him want me more, then I should do it. And there were older women, some married longer than I've been alive, who told me to fulfill my husband's desires, because it is what God wants. This all stemmed from my desire to have my husband want me more, to want me sexually. And it has gone to me becoming a total slut, which seems to be what my husband desires. And the church says it is my duty to fulfill my husband's sexual desires, even when he isn't sure what they are. So, I am no further in understanding any of this but, I am at a point where I have realized that what I am doing is what God wants me to be doing.

I don't know if this is TMI, or just ramblings no one else cares about but, I have to tell someone. If this is TMI, or the wrong place for this type of writing, please let me know. Also, please let me know if you have experienced anything like I have. I can't help but feel I am alone in all of this, even though I am intimate with several men, now.