Why did you post using the pronouns? Clearly this is the husband, but you tried to write this being unclear. I have addressed the issue in a previous post, so I hope you read it. But men need to stop watching porn, its really fucking with your mind.
Wife tried it a few times and still not hooked...
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I dont think he can.
I think he is "stuck" in a mental loop.
More solid advice.
I dont think the issue is sex.
the issue is "why"
The OP's wife has no idea "WHY" she is having sex with another guy.
The husband is not very good at communicating, he over assumes a lot, he skips over details, he fills in gaps that shouldn't be filled in. He does not ask his wife direct questions, he does not know what she thinks or feels other than "I didnt like it."
she didnt like it because it was boring and not fun. She doesnt "get it"
she doesnt understand that her husband has a sexual issue. She doesnt understand that he wants to be selfless for her.
she doesnt understand these things because this "selfless" husband is talking like a selfish jerk, so she thinks he is a typical guy with a screwed up fantasy
the fact that she TRIED it, means she loves this idiot more than anyone else on the planet and instead of him saying, ok, I should really shut my brain off and just listen for a change, he continues to let this absurd fantasy play over in his mind.
You have not told us anything.
You think you have said something because you put words on a piece of paper...
so if you are open to it, I will ask you point blank questions and you have to answer "IN HER WORDS"
do not paraphrase what you think she said. Because too many men try to "ANSWER" for women.
And its highly disrespectful to your wife
If you really want her to enjoy this, then you should do this exercise with me
I asked a sincere question, looking for decent comments, not disrespect. You say that it makes me a baby to want to watch my wife, but what about a guy like you that can't even try to settle down and has to try to convince women that you're going to teach them something? Don't put yourself on a pedestal bro, we all have our own kinks and I'm not judging you for yours.
All you have done from the beginning of this thread is "whine"
You are being highly disrespectful to me. The fact that you dont think anyone else knows what is happening in your marriage is a joke. Dude, you should read people's profiles before assuming things. See, unlike you, I bothered to fill out my profile and provide background. I have way more understanding of your wife and I havent even met her.
so here are the questions you should ask her
1. "Honey, I love you, I am sorry for forsing you to listen to my fantasies, would you be open to sharing your wants and needs with me?"
2. "Honey, I love you, I am sorry that my brain is warped with porn fantasies and I do not know what it means to be a real lover, would you mind telling me what you love about us having sex?"
3. "Honey, I love you, I am sorry that I have male toxic tendencies. I am truly trying to get rid of them, but I am handicapped. Would you mind telling me some of the toxic male ******* that I do to you?"
4. "honey, I love you. I know that you tried having sex with a 2nd guy. I love you for that. I respect you for that. I am sorry if it made you feel awful. Would you mind telling me what you didnt like about it?"
5. "Honey, I love you. Lastly, I do not want to watch you have sex with someone else because its my fantasy, I want to watch you have sex with someone else because it's your sexual fantasy? But Im an idiot and I dont know how I can participate or help out...is there a role that I can play in your sexual fantasy? And is there a type of guy that would make you feel more excited, because I am assuming you didnt really like the last guy we invited?"
I "disliked" your posts because you are just repeating yourself over and over again.
We get it. You are an expert. You dont want real advice
At this point, its unclear why you posted. You asked for advice, you got it, you hate it, because it does not confirm the nonsense in your brain and now you dont know what to do.
you have 2 choices, either admit that how you think is backwards, or continue to do what you are doing and your wife will NEVER have sex with someone else. I will promise you one thing - if you keep obsessing over this, your wife will stop having sex with you as well.
Through my experience, my only answer is you have not found a bull to turn her yet , it's not you or her , you just need to be patient and don't rush the process, what you don't want is her to go cold Turkey, keep trying different bbc maybe once a month, watch porn with her ,explain your kinks and goals .
OOHHHH and the truth comes out.
I listed several questions, you refused to answer them. So you have not asked them, because if you had, you would have provided the answers. I was trying to help you. I cant help you if you just argue ALL THE TIME
but we see the truth -- this has nothing to do with your wife.
I appreciate you trying to disrespect my wife. Thank you for that. Shows how much class you have. The fact that you get the impression that I sleep with every woman I talk to is an interesting perspective. The women that do not sleep with me, might feel disrespected, since they disagree with you. But you are "KING" and all knowing.
This is the crux of the problem for you.
" I've had that conversation with my wife, and she still doesn't want to share me and have an open relationship, so I've sucked it up, grown up, and learned to supress my immense interest in other women and instead try to focus all of my desires towards her."
Dude Im sorry that your wife does not want to do your fantasies. I think I touched on that in the first reply that you are "forsing" her to do this for yourself, you kept arguing that "NO SHE WANTS THIS!!" but the truth is that she doesnt. the only one being horrible to his wife is you, not me. My wife loves me and I adore my wife. I am not going to address your comments, cuz I am very secure in my marriage, unlike you, who has a lot of problems.
Oh, you cannot OVER COMMUNICATE you idiot. You can be annoying and repeat yourself when you dont listen well, which I can see you having problems with that, since that is what you have done this whole time. I have paid very close attention to what you have written, maybe you should re read what you wrote. I asked the questions because you failed to OVER communicate with us. Remember, you asked for advice, you gave us like 5% of the whole story and wanted us to comment like we know what you are talking about LOL, hilarious
then you got upset that we missed the mark, So I said, ok, and I asked for more clarification, then you got upset that we want more info, so we can give you BETTER advice
the only person QUITTING is you. I am literally wasting my time talking to you. You are a BLOCKHEAD, and you seem old enough to know that reference.
Get off your throne. You have a problem in your marriage. If you didnt realize that before, you should realize that now. The reason that couples and men and women trust me is because I am married, I do have a successful open relationship, I do have love in my heart. I am 100% honest, even when people dont want to hear that truth. Im not your friend. I dont know you. I have nothing to lose by telling you the truth.
I have 20 years of behavioral work, I have 20 years of educational background. I have 20 years working with couples in a sexual coaching capacity. Like, at some point, you need to admit that I might know more about human behavior, psychology and also how men and women view sex and relationships.
I also know what good communication is and what isn't. I can also tell what resentment looks like, and right now you resent your wife for not BEING into your desires for OTHER women. I think you might want to talk to a Dr about your sex drive. I dont have an answer for you, since you just told us this has nothing to do with your wife but all about you.
Yikes.. That's a pretty horrible and closed minded way to think of non monogamy while actively pursuing it. Instead of looking outward for answers as to why it's not working I think looking at statements such as these will probably give you a better idea.
I would hope he would listen to a woman, but I highly doubt it. He seems to just be resentful.
LOL
OMG< at least you can respect a woman who was being honest with you
but she JUST TOLD YOU - you are mistreating your wife.
If you have no problem with me, then why do you speak with such disdain.
Im not the only one that is seeing this. You just tried to be nice to a woman that commented, but the only reason she commented was because she was SHOCKED at how you were acting toward your wife.
your relationship is very different than mine. You are assuming I am doing something my wife doesnt want to do. My wife started the open relationship, not me. I would sacrifice anything for my wife. you should try it sometime, its a whole new perspective on marriage and your love for her. Like I would die for my wife, would you?
women and couples like me because its obvious that I love my wife. We have rules and I respect those rules.
the single biggest problem you have is that you are very secretive. you have told us 5% of the story. So at this point, you should stop posting. Go talk to your wife and figure out what your problems are. Yes, tell your wife you want to hear her tell her what Pet Peeves she has with you. If you can handle that, you will become a better husband. You need to just do what your wife wants. I know its hard, Im married, nothing is all roses, but I mean, if you love her, just stop being argumentative. And you may not be arguing directly with her, but you are mentally doing it, because you are UNLOADING here and so its on your mind.
If I'm misunderstanding it's because you chose your words wrong. I directly quoted the following from you:
Maybe you should explain to your wife that it's not that she's not good enough to be your one and only, but that you just can't control your toxic male tendencies to sleep with anything that walks.... I've had that conversation with my wife, and she still doesn't want to share me and have an open relationship, so I've sucked it up, grown up, and learned to supress my immense interest in other women and instead try to focus all of my desires towards her.
Maybe you should try growing up and not needing other women and just allowing your wife to satisfy all of your needs.
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That to me says you have no respect for non monogamy at it's very core. The idea that people are non monogamous because their partner "isn't good enough to be your one and only" is rooted in a deep misunderstanding of what ethical non monogamy actually is. It's not a replacement or failing in the relationship - it's an enhancement.
There is no form of ethical non monogamy that's inherently disrespectful to any gender. If it is, it isn't ethical and that's because you're doing it wrong.
As for my perspective and circumstance, I've been in a very loving, very supportive non monogamous marriage for over a decade and have taught a workshop or two on the subject.
Thank you
Wonderful post. This is what this site is about. Ethical treatment of men and women. Not male toxic bs.
Yes, ethical non monogamy is very different than just being non-monogamous. Respect is at its core. I deeply love my wife and am overly careful with other partners. I am constantly asking my wife questions and making sure that "we are good". She is the love of my life. I have internal needs that my wife recognizes she does not want to be a part of. It makes her happier that I deal with those things with other women. And so we support each other. Its funny because I never thought I would ever be in a ENM relationship, but now that I am. I am grateful and thankful that my wife is so amazing and loving. I have admitted this to her, I need her more than she needs me. She just laughs, but I am the luckiest man in the world and I have my wife to thank for that.
LOL...im laughing so hard.
you have argued with every comment on this thread, this is the first time you are listening. Im glad you are, but you misunderstand what ENM is.
She basically hit it on the head twice. I can't add much more but will say this. One thing i have seen is when you make the experience more about you than about her, it never works out.
Once again, she's schoolin us.
Huh? How does one write a sentence about experiences without the use of pronouns? Yes, this is the husband, no I was not writing to be unclear, and no I didn't come here for a lesson in English from a self labeled "teacher". I tried to write a bit to share some experience with the OP and others - that's the whole point of a community like this! I don't disagree with the comment on porn and its impacts on the mind...but us humans have found lots of ways to adjust the wiring of our brains...temporarily or permanently. I doubt this forum is a great place to debate the ins and outs of porn as one of those many activities.
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