Have you wondered how to bring up an interest in Cuckoldry, Only to be Rebuffed? Have you struggled to bring this up with a partner for fear of how she would react? It will help you to understand "female think" and how to master better and more effective communication skills.
Here are some reasons your woman may be hesitant and some practical communication guidelines that may help you!
Things That May Concern Your Woman About Consensual Non-Monogamy and Cuckoldry
She imagines you want to sleep with other women.
She doesn't understand you and why you have this fantasy.
She thinks the idea is odd.
She is uncomfortable with anything but monogamy.
She doesn't understand how or why you would want to share her. Does this mean you don't find her desirable?
She imagines that you cannot love her if you want to share her
She may think the idea is fun but cannot see herself doing it
She's terrified other people will find out.
She feels your children are an obstacle and doesn't want to expose them to it.
She doesn't feel good about herself physically or mentally to want to do it.
She objects to the idea because of religious beliefs.
She believes it is cheating.
She's worried you will leave her if she does it.
She's worried about loving it too much, disrupting your lives
She's concerned about not liking it at all and leaving a "bad taste" in both
She wants to avoid regret
She cannot see the possibility due to logistical reasons (when would it happen, how, where, etc.)
She said she needs an emotional connection with people before having sex with them. However, fostering a more substantive relationship feels threatening.
She feels like it wouldn't be healthy for the relationship.
She's worried something could go wrong (i.e., what if she falls for the other guy?).
These are many reasons more women don't pursue a cuckold dynamic. Unfortunately, it is valid for all of us: we cannot change or improve what we cannot see or understand.
Women Are Complicated Creatures
Everyone knows women can be complicated. However, getting your wife to try a fantasy like this is like navigating a minefield. Most women are worried about fantasies that can threaten their core relationships.
So it's no wonder most guys get stopped dead in their tracks by their wife's objections.
And no matter how legitimate or silly you feel the objections she gives you are, do not be defeated by her resistance. This will show you where the "work" is. Trying to "convince" her to fulfill your fantasy is the WRONG track. Cuckoldry, at its essence, is about HER pleasure. So your job is NOT to convince her: it is to EXCAVATE her. Find out what makes her tick!
Bridging the GAP
So, perhaps your wife has said one of the above things to you.
If you try to talk her around gently or change her mind, and you don't know the psychology, it will likely make her MORE resistant. You may cause her to become agitated and dig in even more to the objections she's already given you.
Your first job is to reframe your OWN thinking. For example, it's ok to have fantasies and share them with a partner. However, it is NOT ok to "convince, manipulate or punish" her for not following your fantasies.
Building the Structure for Healthy Communication
If you want to build an exciting, connected, intimate relationship, it is best to start with a plan.
The Path To Consensual Non-Monogamy Can Come in Different Ways
You may explore non-monogamy while single. Many others discover they are non-monogamous or want to explore non-monogamy while already in a monogamous relationship.
Asking your partner to open up your relationship is a very vulnerable proposition. You don't want to hurt her or damage your relationship.
Although, when done right, this relationship dynamic can lead to a profoundly intimate connection, this conversation is a challenging idea, even for healthy couples.
Where Do I Start to Open Up My Relationship?
Here are some tips to open up your relationship in a healthy and supportive way.
*Start With a Healthy Relationship-always
Consensual non-monogamy can not save your relationship if you are struggling. On the contrary, opening it up will likely only intensify the existing problems and create more problems.
Successful open relationships start from a place of strength and connectedness.
Can you easily talk about anything and everything, holding nothing back? If not, you are not ready.
*Figure Out Your Individual Goals and Values and Then See Where They Intersect With Your Partner
Before considering opening up your relationship, you must know what you and your partner value.
If you don't know what you want or your values, navigating the many ongoing conversations you will have won't be easy.
Making decisions will be much easier as you understand your goals and values. If unsure where to start, I highly recommend spending time with Esther Perel's works or taking some values tests. Here is an Enneagram test to see what type you are:
Take the quiz: https://tinyurl.com/3asamfe8.
*What labels and words do you use?
Regardless of how long you've been in a relationship with your partner, you likely define labels and words differently.
My husband and I have been educators in the cuckold community for eight years. Each time we teach or do a podcast, we meet people who describe cuckoldry somewhat differently than we do.
Terms like polyamory, cuckoldry, swinging, dating, sex, and open relationship can hold many different interpretations for your partner than they do for you.
For example, the term "open relationship" can mean occasionally going on a date with someone (other than your partner), or it could mean engaging in multiple committed and sexual relationships. Generally, cuckoldry is understood to be one-sided consensual non-monogamy. Still, both partners may have different concepts of how that looks. For example, some cuckolds relish humiliation, while others don't.
Start your communication with what it means explicitly to each of you as a start point.
Guidelines for Healthy Communication
Learn and Grow Together Through Non-Monogamy
Healthy and successful consensual non-monogamous relationships don't just happen on their own. They are nurtured and grow when both partners put forth an honest effort. If one or both of you are new to consensual non-monogamy, it is an excellent time for you to learn together.
Do some reading, or seek out and attend CNM support or discussion groups. You may find these groups by searching Meetup.com, Facebook, and Reddit. You can learn a great deal from others' experiences and viewpoints.
Consensual non-monogamy will not save your relationship. Do not think this is a solution to a relationship already in trouble.
Talk about what you read or discussed in a group. You will learn a lot about yourself and your partner by doing this. Don't judge: one of your ground rules can be "this is a judgment-free zone." Then, when both people feel it is safe to share vulnerable feelings and perspectives, you can progress.
Here are some recommended books that will help you:
Use "I" statements
When you speak about your own experience, you have a greater chance of not putting your partner in a defensive posture.
Your "I" statements focus on your beliefs and feelings rather than "diagnosing" your partner's thoughts.
For example, rather than saying, "You made me jealous," you would `say, "When you said you wanted to go on a date with him, I felt jealous."
Using "I" statements means you take responsibility for your emotions and reactions. It isn't easy and often requires you to be open and honest about things you'd likely rather not say. But you and your relationship will grow from having done so! This habit will get easier with practice.
Establish Good Boundaries Before You Need Them
Setting good personal boundaries is a critical aspect of a he
althy relationship. Boundaries protect your emotional, physical, and mental health by setting a clear line between what is you and what isn't you.
Boundaries can be physical or emotional. You must set boundaries that no one else could ever violate.
Rules are constraints or expectations you put on someone else. Boundaries are your personal, invisible ******* field that you are in charge of protecting.
For example, a reasonable boundary is "I will not date someone who lives more than an hour away from me" or "I will not have sex with my partner if they have had sex with someone else that day." No one can cross either of these boundaries but you.
In contrast, statements like these, "I don't want my partner to have sex with anyone but me," or "I don't want my partner to take anyone else to our favorite restaurant," are rules.
Rules can easily be broken by either party who commits to them and therefore do not protect you in the same way a healthy boundary can. Rules are constraints or expectations you put on someone else.
Boundaries are your personal, invisible ******* field that you are in charge of creating and protecting.
Discuss Your Goals for Non-Monogamy
Once you each have a good understanding of your individual goals and values, it is important to discuss your goals as a couple. This step is important as it will help you to see if you have the same aspirations with regard to opening up your relationship.
It is important to note here that it is normal for you to each have different goals as you're each your own person.
Also, in terms of dating, setting a goal for fairness between you isn't a good goal.
Instead, be specific (for example, we want to read six books together this year), and create goals that focus on meeting each partner's needs, even though that will likely look different for each person.
Are you open to your partner having purely sexual relationships with other people, or can there be dating or romantic relationships involved? (This is a huge question that deserves careful consideration.)
Do you want to know about your partner's experiences with other people? What specific information do you want to be told or not told?
How will your partner find other partners? (For example, maybe you don't want your partner to put up an online dating profile in case you have friends who might see it.)
Are there certain people who are off the table? (For example, maybe you wouldn't want your partner to hook up with people you know.)
How will your partner protect themselves and their other partners from STIs and pregnancy (if applicable)?
How often can your partner pursue sexual relationships with other people?
Are certain sexual activities on or off the table?
Are you going to tell other people in your life about your arrangement, or keep it a secret?
How will you support each other when strong emotions come up or if one partner has questions about continuing the arrangement?
Don't Judge Emotions as Good or Bad
All emotions are just that, emotions. They are not good or bad; they are a response to some event. Often when people are in the midst of opening their relationship, they will experience jealousy, envy, and fear.
Our culture has taught us to label each of those emotions as bad because of the way in which they make us feel. Similarly, emotions like excitement, joy, and glee are labeled as good.
The problem with labeling emotions as either good or bad is that you've automatically attached negativity to an array of emotions. Not only that, when you attach the "bad" label to an emotion, it becomes very easy to then attack yourself for feeling said emotion.
Rather than labeling an emotion, ask yourself why you reacted the way you did and explore past experiences which might have led you to your reaction. Remove the attachment to label them, and be kind to yourself. Emotions are not good or bad; they exist.
Acknowledge The Monogamy Mindset
You may not consciously realize it, but you have been inundated with ideas about how relationships are "supposed to be" from the day you were born.
Almost every facet of our culture revolves around monogamy. While you might know this, there is a difference between knowing something and reprogramming your subconscious to accept and acknowledge non-traditional ideals.
There are many things to consider when you are thinking about opening up.
Are you comfortable with your partner spending nights away from you? Do you expect to be the first (or only) person your partner shares good or bad news with? Are you comfortable being alone? How do you feel about your partner vacationing with someone else?
How do you feel about your friends and family's reaction to your lifestyle choice, and how will you handle it?
All of these things are outside of the monogamy norm, and, as such, it may take time for you to learn how you truly feel about them aside from what our culture says.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
Communication is, by far, the most critical tool in your relationship toolbox. Regardless of your relationship type (monogamous or non-monogamous), communication can, and likely will, make or break a relationship.
When you and your partner aren't communicating properly, issues tend to fester, and resentment grows. It can be very difficult to bring up embarrassing issues or to admit feelings such as jealousy or envy. It can also be difficult to tell your partner something they might not want to hear.
For example, I told my husband early on in my marriage that I needed more: more conversation, more sex, a different perspective, and new "relationship energy" I love him for what he is, and I also need more. We have discussed this endlessly, and he gets it and supports me.
When you allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner and share uncomfortable feelings, you grow stronger, and the connection between you and your partner grows.
The most successful relationships are ones where the people involved develop creative and unique ways to communicate with each other.
When you open up your relationship, there will be many challenges and struggles along the way. You must communicate your experiences and feelings throughout this process.
The most successful relationships are ones where the people involved develop creative and unique ways in which to communicate with each other.
Set up a weekly/bi-weekly/monthly check-in time with your partner to discuss what is working and not working as you open your relationship.
The time-frequency is less important than being consistent. Knowing you have a scheduled time to talk about challenging issues can make it easier to talk about those things and give you some time to collect your thoughts.
Consensual Non-Monogamy Can Be Challenging, but Also Very Rewarding
The transition from monogamy to consensual non-monogamy can be tricky. However, it is essential to remember this is normal and expected.
There will be a learning curve as you meet new people and explore dating outside your marriage/existing relationship and your partner potentially does the same. Some folks, even you, maybe learning to date for the first time.
Take your time, and you work through challenges as they come. Remember to be patient with yourself and your partner. When experiencing new things, there is no way to know precisely how you will react ahead of time, so it's best to take things slowly.
Importantly, keep in mind the reasons for which you decided to open up. Don't focus on negative feelings or experiences. Instead, focus on the positive experiences and take note of the things that didn't work well.
By focusing on your freedoms rather than your limitations, each experience you have will help to flavor your life in beautiful ways.
Here are some reasons your woman may be hesitant and some practical communication guidelines that may help you!
Things That May Concern Your Woman About Consensual Non-Monogamy and Cuckoldry
She imagines you want to sleep with other women.
She doesn't understand you and why you have this fantasy.
She thinks the idea is odd.
She is uncomfortable with anything but monogamy.
She doesn't understand how or why you would want to share her. Does this mean you don't find her desirable?
She imagines that you cannot love her if you want to share her
She may think the idea is fun but cannot see herself doing it
She's terrified other people will find out.
She feels your children are an obstacle and doesn't want to expose them to it.
She doesn't feel good about herself physically or mentally to want to do it.
She objects to the idea because of religious beliefs.
She believes it is cheating.
She's worried you will leave her if she does it.
She's worried about loving it too much, disrupting your lives
She's concerned about not liking it at all and leaving a "bad taste" in both
She wants to avoid regret
She cannot see the possibility due to logistical reasons (when would it happen, how, where, etc.)
She said she needs an emotional connection with people before having sex with them. However, fostering a more substantive relationship feels threatening.
She feels like it wouldn't be healthy for the relationship.
She's worried something could go wrong (i.e., what if she falls for the other guy?).
These are many reasons more women don't pursue a cuckold dynamic. Unfortunately, it is valid for all of us: we cannot change or improve what we cannot see or understand.
Women Are Complicated Creatures
Everyone knows women can be complicated. However, getting your wife to try a fantasy like this is like navigating a minefield. Most women are worried about fantasies that can threaten their core relationships.
So it's no wonder most guys get stopped dead in their tracks by their wife's objections.
And no matter how legitimate or silly you feel the objections she gives you are, do not be defeated by her resistance. This will show you where the "work" is. Trying to "convince" her to fulfill your fantasy is the WRONG track. Cuckoldry, at its essence, is about HER pleasure. So your job is NOT to convince her: it is to EXCAVATE her. Find out what makes her tick!
Bridging the GAP
So, perhaps your wife has said one of the above things to you.
If you try to talk her around gently or change her mind, and you don't know the psychology, it will likely make her MORE resistant. You may cause her to become agitated and dig in even more to the objections she's already given you.
Your first job is to reframe your OWN thinking. For example, it's ok to have fantasies and share them with a partner. However, it is NOT ok to "convince, manipulate or punish" her for not following your fantasies.
Building the Structure for Healthy Communication
If you want to build an exciting, connected, intimate relationship, it is best to start with a plan.
The Path To Consensual Non-Monogamy Can Come in Different Ways
You may explore non-monogamy while single. Many others discover they are non-monogamous or want to explore non-monogamy while already in a monogamous relationship.
Asking your partner to open up your relationship is a very vulnerable proposition. You don't want to hurt her or damage your relationship.
Although, when done right, this relationship dynamic can lead to a profoundly intimate connection, this conversation is a challenging idea, even for healthy couples.
Where Do I Start to Open Up My Relationship?
Here are some tips to open up your relationship in a healthy and supportive way.
*Start With a Healthy Relationship-always
Consensual non-monogamy can not save your relationship if you are struggling. On the contrary, opening it up will likely only intensify the existing problems and create more problems.
Successful open relationships start from a place of strength and connectedness.
Can you easily talk about anything and everything, holding nothing back? If not, you are not ready.
*Figure Out Your Individual Goals and Values and Then See Where They Intersect With Your Partner
Before considering opening up your relationship, you must know what you and your partner value.
If you don't know what you want or your values, navigating the many ongoing conversations you will have won't be easy.
Making decisions will be much easier as you understand your goals and values. If unsure where to start, I highly recommend spending time with Esther Perel's works or taking some values tests. Here is an Enneagram test to see what type you are:
Take the quiz: https://tinyurl.com/3asamfe8.
*What labels and words do you use?
Regardless of how long you've been in a relationship with your partner, you likely define labels and words differently.
My husband and I have been educators in the cuckold community for eight years. Each time we teach or do a podcast, we meet people who describe cuckoldry somewhat differently than we do.
Terms like polyamory, cuckoldry, swinging, dating, sex, and open relationship can hold many different interpretations for your partner than they do for you.
For example, the term "open relationship" can mean occasionally going on a date with someone (other than your partner), or it could mean engaging in multiple committed and sexual relationships. Generally, cuckoldry is understood to be one-sided consensual non-monogamy. Still, both partners may have different concepts of how that looks. For example, some cuckolds relish humiliation, while others don't.
Start your communication with what it means explicitly to each of you as a start point.
Guidelines for Healthy Communication
Learn and Grow Together Through Non-Monogamy
Healthy and successful consensual non-monogamous relationships don't just happen on their own. They are nurtured and grow when both partners put forth an honest effort. If one or both of you are new to consensual non-monogamy, it is an excellent time for you to learn together.
Do some reading, or seek out and attend CNM support or discussion groups. You may find these groups by searching Meetup.com, Facebook, and Reddit. You can learn a great deal from others' experiences and viewpoints.
Consensual non-monogamy will not save your relationship. Do not think this is a solution to a relationship already in trouble.
Talk about what you read or discussed in a group. You will learn a lot about yourself and your partner by doing this. Don't judge: one of your ground rules can be "this is a judgment-free zone." Then, when both people feel it is safe to share vulnerable feelings and perspectives, you can progress.
Here are some recommended books that will help you:
- "Women Who Stray and The Men Who Love Them" by Dr. David Ley
- "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino
- "Mating In Captivity": Esther Perel
- "The State of Affairs": Esther Perel
- "The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory": Dedeker Winston (for those who may want to venture out further)
- and for those who want to take a SERIOUS personal growth deep dive: "Spiritual Partnership" Gary Zukav
Use "I" statements
When you speak about your own experience, you have a greater chance of not putting your partner in a defensive posture.
Your "I" statements focus on your beliefs and feelings rather than "diagnosing" your partner's thoughts.
For example, rather than saying, "You made me jealous," you would `say, "When you said you wanted to go on a date with him, I felt jealous."
Using "I" statements means you take responsibility for your emotions and reactions. It isn't easy and often requires you to be open and honest about things you'd likely rather not say. But you and your relationship will grow from having done so! This habit will get easier with practice.
Establish Good Boundaries Before You Need Them
Setting good personal boundaries is a critical aspect of a he
althy relationship. Boundaries protect your emotional, physical, and mental health by setting a clear line between what is you and what isn't you.
Boundaries can be physical or emotional. You must set boundaries that no one else could ever violate.
Rules are constraints or expectations you put on someone else. Boundaries are your personal, invisible ******* field that you are in charge of protecting.
For example, a reasonable boundary is "I will not date someone who lives more than an hour away from me" or "I will not have sex with my partner if they have had sex with someone else that day." No one can cross either of these boundaries but you.
In contrast, statements like these, "I don't want my partner to have sex with anyone but me," or "I don't want my partner to take anyone else to our favorite restaurant," are rules.
Rules can easily be broken by either party who commits to them and therefore do not protect you in the same way a healthy boundary can. Rules are constraints or expectations you put on someone else.
Boundaries are your personal, invisible ******* field that you are in charge of creating and protecting.
Discuss Your Goals for Non-Monogamy
Once you each have a good understanding of your individual goals and values, it is important to discuss your goals as a couple. This step is important as it will help you to see if you have the same aspirations with regard to opening up your relationship.
It is important to note here that it is normal for you to each have different goals as you're each your own person.
Also, in terms of dating, setting a goal for fairness between you isn't a good goal.
Instead, be specific (for example, we want to read six books together this year), and create goals that focus on meeting each partner's needs, even though that will likely look different for each person.
Are you open to your partner having purely sexual relationships with other people, or can there be dating or romantic relationships involved? (This is a huge question that deserves careful consideration.)
Do you want to know about your partner's experiences with other people? What specific information do you want to be told or not told?
How will your partner find other partners? (For example, maybe you don't want your partner to put up an online dating profile in case you have friends who might see it.)
Are there certain people who are off the table? (For example, maybe you wouldn't want your partner to hook up with people you know.)
How will your partner protect themselves and their other partners from STIs and pregnancy (if applicable)?
How often can your partner pursue sexual relationships with other people?
Are certain sexual activities on or off the table?
Are you going to tell other people in your life about your arrangement, or keep it a secret?
How will you support each other when strong emotions come up or if one partner has questions about continuing the arrangement?
Don't Judge Emotions as Good or Bad
All emotions are just that, emotions. They are not good or bad; they are a response to some event. Often when people are in the midst of opening their relationship, they will experience jealousy, envy, and fear.
Our culture has taught us to label each of those emotions as bad because of the way in which they make us feel. Similarly, emotions like excitement, joy, and glee are labeled as good.
The problem with labeling emotions as either good or bad is that you've automatically attached negativity to an array of emotions. Not only that, when you attach the "bad" label to an emotion, it becomes very easy to then attack yourself for feeling said emotion.
Rather than labeling an emotion, ask yourself why you reacted the way you did and explore past experiences which might have led you to your reaction. Remove the attachment to label them, and be kind to yourself. Emotions are not good or bad; they exist.
Acknowledge The Monogamy Mindset
You may not consciously realize it, but you have been inundated with ideas about how relationships are "supposed to be" from the day you were born.
Almost every facet of our culture revolves around monogamy. While you might know this, there is a difference between knowing something and reprogramming your subconscious to accept and acknowledge non-traditional ideals.
There are many things to consider when you are thinking about opening up.
Are you comfortable with your partner spending nights away from you? Do you expect to be the first (or only) person your partner shares good or bad news with? Are you comfortable being alone? How do you feel about your partner vacationing with someone else?
How do you feel about your friends and family's reaction to your lifestyle choice, and how will you handle it?
All of these things are outside of the monogamy norm, and, as such, it may take time for you to learn how you truly feel about them aside from what our culture says.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
Communication is, by far, the most critical tool in your relationship toolbox. Regardless of your relationship type (monogamous or non-monogamous), communication can, and likely will, make or break a relationship.
When you and your partner aren't communicating properly, issues tend to fester, and resentment grows. It can be very difficult to bring up embarrassing issues or to admit feelings such as jealousy or envy. It can also be difficult to tell your partner something they might not want to hear.
For example, I told my husband early on in my marriage that I needed more: more conversation, more sex, a different perspective, and new "relationship energy" I love him for what he is, and I also need more. We have discussed this endlessly, and he gets it and supports me.
When you allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner and share uncomfortable feelings, you grow stronger, and the connection between you and your partner grows.
The most successful relationships are ones where the people involved develop creative and unique ways to communicate with each other.
When you open up your relationship, there will be many challenges and struggles along the way. You must communicate your experiences and feelings throughout this process.
The most successful relationships are ones where the people involved develop creative and unique ways in which to communicate with each other.
Set up a weekly/bi-weekly/monthly check-in time with your partner to discuss what is working and not working as you open your relationship.
The time-frequency is less important than being consistent. Knowing you have a scheduled time to talk about challenging issues can make it easier to talk about those things and give you some time to collect your thoughts.
Consensual Non-Monogamy Can Be Challenging, but Also Very Rewarding
The transition from monogamy to consensual non-monogamy can be tricky. However, it is essential to remember this is normal and expected.
There will be a learning curve as you meet new people and explore dating outside your marriage/existing relationship and your partner potentially does the same. Some folks, even you, maybe learning to date for the first time.
Take your time, and you work through challenges as they come. Remember to be patient with yourself and your partner. When experiencing new things, there is no way to know precisely how you will react ahead of time, so it's best to take things slowly.
Importantly, keep in mind the reasons for which you decided to open up. Don't focus on negative feelings or experiences. Instead, focus on the positive experiences and take note of the things that didn't work well.
By focusing on your freedoms rather than your limitations, each experience you have will help to flavor your life in beautiful ways.
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