Okay, I’ll join in. But first, a bit of background. I was first ‘spaded’ about six years ago. Since that time, four Black guys have had me. Two long term situations and two one nighters. When it happened, we had been married for 14 years.
What changed you asked? Someone said communications, communications, communications, and when you’re done communicating, do it again. Yes, your relationship will change, but in what direction is up to you.
Communications. It took us six weeks for us to finally talk about it. I thought he was somehow embarrassed or felt jealously. He thought that I was embarrassed and didn’t want to discuss it. When we finally did, we were both stunned to discover that we both enjoyed it!
Communications. You say you both want it. Want what? Your ‘wants’ may be vastly different from hers. You may want to watch and take pictures. She may want to be alone. You may want this to be a frequent thing, she may want it to happen occasionally. You may want her to take him bare, she may want him to wear condoms. Sit down when you both have plenty of time and with pen and paper in front of the both of you, outline expectations. What you want and what she wants. Then compare notes.
Communications. Sit down and discuss rules! Rules are important as they outline the limits you’re both willing to work within. We came up with seven that work for us:
- Working together, agree upon prospects on the internet (there are a host of Adult dating sites out there – use them!)
- If prospect appears good to the BOTH of you, agree upon a purely social meeting. Bar and Grill is a nice location. Have bite to eat, see how everyone interacts, but don’t do anything intimate after that initial meeting!
- On drive home and the next day, discuss him. What did you think of him, what did she think of him. If you both agree, then it’s time for the next step. If you don’t, move on to another prospect. Her rejection may be as simple as “I didn’t feel comfortable with him.” Good enough. Don’t try and convince her otherwise.
- Meet only at a hotel/motel. Why?
- No towels or sheets to clean up afterwards.
- Neighbors won’t see strange Black men entering and leaving your home at all hours of the day and night.
- No danger of a relative or friend coming over unexpectedly.
- His house may be rigged with cameras, may not be clean or ‘friends’ may come over unexpectedly.
- Do you want a relative stranger finding out where you live and what stuff you have?
- We insist upon my husband being there for at least the first few times. You don’t know how this guy may act if he gets you (the wife) alone. Trust me on this – experience speaking here!
- If condoms are to be used, bring your own. Men have been known to poke holes in condoms causing them to break. If you bring them yourself, you know they’re good.
- If no condoms, have him and you get tested before becoming intimate. Any health clinic or family doctor will do it for a nominal fee. We’ve never experienced a potential partner saying ‘No’ to that request.
I started this essay with the concept of communications. All the above revolves around strong communications between you and your wife. If you follow these recommendations, I can assure you that any ‘changes’ in your relationship will not come as a surprise as all the dirty laundry will be there, on the table before you, long before you become committed and something happens that you’ll regret later on.
Speaking for ourselves, it has done nothing but change our relationship for the better in so many ways! Hubby and I have sex together much more frequently. We’re much more in tune with one another, we enjoy doing things a lot more, and finally we both enjoy it.
Hope you found this useful. Best of luck!
Donna