Hi there:) I feel comfortable knowing i'm not alone

I've been experiencing an extreme difficulty in my life lately, I feel trapped in my mind, constantly dreaming about BBC's. I'm quite possibly losing my partner of two years because I was hiding my desires, afraid of judgment, but working to express my needs to her eventually. I feel almost as I should let her go so I can freely discover that aspect or attempt to relieve myself from that and practice more mindful things.

Would you rather have all the BBC's you want, and freedom to experience them or an authentic genuine meaningful life long partnership? I may be able to open her up to cucking me, but it's going to take time to build that trust back up.