I don’t think I am making my point. My wife, unless there is some momentous break through in sex therapy, will never take affirmative steps towards anything remotely non-vanilla. That would be admitting she has lustful wants, desires, etc. that she has been taught to ignore, shun and reject throughout her life. She was outwardly angry, disgusted, repulsed etc when I introduced a vibrator to our play. If I took her at her initial word instead of persisting it would have NEVER happened and that’s countless orgasms she would have missed out on over the years. You think a woman with that many hang ups is going to be, “oh you want us to meet with a man or men who want to fuck me, and I just choose one? Fantastic, let’s do this!” There are many strategies that may fail, but that one is a guaranteed fail 100% of the time.
When I was in college my GF had a friend who was Catholic. “Good Catholic” girl. She would go to events, get *******, and hook up with this guy I knew. They would fuck she would complain to my GF that he “took advantage” of her. My GF would bitch at me that I needed to keep him away from her. But next time, she gets *******, seeks him out, rinse and repeat. My GF kept bitching to me until the next event when she herself tried to get her friend to not go with her ******* fuck buddy but that’s what she wanted. She STILL tried to claim the next day that the guy took advantage of her but my GF tried everything besides wrestling her to the ground to keep her away from that guy. She told her friend to stop BSing, she clearly wanted to fuck and being ******* was her excuse to claim it’s not what she really wanted. Put a rift in their friendship that’s how deep her denial and Catholic guilt was.
Anyway, the point is, some women with repressed sexual desires want to explore those but not own that they want to explore those. It’s why my wife when we are away from home and has some adult beverages is hot, and horny and wild. It’s why my wife when she is around other guys gets a whole new energy, playfulness and giddiness like an excited schoolgirl. I think she hopes something happens and she has something to pin it on later… like “I didn’t want to but had some beverages, the guy was insistent, one thing led to another….” That’s entirely different than, “ok let’s meet a guy or guys and I’ll choose someone to fuck who’s not my husband.”
Is this for my fantasy? Sure. But every step of the way has also been about her pleasure. I get off on her getting off. I’m big into compersion. When we were in couples counseling many years ago our counselor asked me, “if she lived out your fantasy and wasn’t enjoying the sex, would you still be turned on by it?” Before I could get a word out my wife blurted out, “Of course he would be turned on he would be getting his fantasy!” But then I replied, “no, absolutely not! That would be absolutely horrible. My whole fantasy is about her having incredible sexual pleasure. If she was not enjoying it, I can’t think of much else that would be worse.”
The vibrator? It does nothing for me but brings her much pleasure. It would be awful if the sex talk and role play and thought of her fucking a well hung black guy repulsed her. But it doesn’t. When she gets past her inhibitions she gets really turned on by it.
I doubt anything I said above changed your mind and that’s ok. It just means that you wouldn’t be the right guy to help me. Her true inner sexual self needs to be unleashed but a direct approach that puts her on the hook for owning it, isn’t going to get there.
As for “tricking her?” I wouldn’t even set up a guy who wasn’t really physically attracted to her. The attraction is real so that’s not a trick. I’m just creating an opportunity to have a guy that is sexually attracted to her, show that attraction to her then she can decide what if anything will happen.
I think your initial instinct was correct -- you didnt fully explain the situation to me, so my advice was based on the limited info you gave.
first of all - I am not "applying" for the position. I was a little taken aback and just bemused by your notion that I have any interest in this scenario. I was simply trying to be helpful. Maybe that puts your mind at ease, that Im trying to be a neutral 3rd party, therefore whatever I have to say does not personally benefit me.
I can tell that you know your wife very well. But it sounds like your wife is wrestling inside her own mind, which means you need a man that has a very high IQ, but also a background in behavioral psychology, because your wife's childhood trauma and repression is not going to be easy to overcome. I would fully expect if I met your wife, that I would probably trigger a deep seeded repression. And to be quite honest, I have no idea how she would react - and more importantly, I don't think you know how she would react.
You are opening pandoras box here. I think you realize that.
From what you said, my best suggestion would be to "role play" some scenarios that are much more deeply psychologically rooted.
Right now you are just doing surface role play with her and purely physical/sexual role-play. Your wife is semi comfortable with that since she is doing it with you. And because of all the therapy and the support you have given her - she trusts you with her life. So she is more willing to do something with you. I think you know that by now.
But your wife needs to have her emotions pushed a little, so that you can have a better idea if she can even handle more that what you are doing. When I work with a newbie couple, and a woman like your wife - I basically TEST the wife emotionally and psychologically to see if she can even handle the situation before you go past the point of no return.
I get the sense that you would like it and you can handle whatever might happen.
But your wife has never really been a human being before. She is a programmed shell of a human being, acting and speaking and doing whatever she was programmed to do. I know, sounds sick and twisted, but that's basically what has happened. Normal human beings, or people that don't have their minds scrambled, do not freak out like this over situations.
rational adults can have a health conversation with their spouse---because based on everything you've told me you are a very truswothty guy, so your wife should have nothing to ever worry about. All of her fears and insecurities are just programmed into her - its not really her.
And unfortunately there is no therapist on this planet that can correct what's inside her head, because it would be completely unethical.
Your wife really needs a full "re-brainwashing" basically someone needs to clean her mind of all the CRAP that has been put in there.
Its really hurting her more than you even comprehend. She is like a prisoner inside her own brain. I feel for you and empathize with your wife, its not right what society did to her.
Please feel free to ask more questions, but I understand your situation a lot more now.