This is a really common conflict in a lot of the husbands I talk to, coach and work with. They want this desire but the harsh realities are really harsh. But it sounds like you and your wife needed better communication, which is really hard to do and establish after your relationship and dynamic has fallen into a routine and you have a lot of bad habits.
Whether a bull moves in or not, unless you and your wife have agreed that you are worthless and that her bull owns the both of you, you are still the husband. I have a lot of conversations with husbands, who a majority of the time express to me that they are afraid to talk to their wife about their feelings and what they truly want. They just deflect and hide behind "I just want to make my wife happy."
For some men, they will never ever get over this flawed viewpoint. For some guys, they start to get it, and work with me, and the wives are grateful. Your wife married you because she loves you. She didnt marry you because she liked how you dressed. Trust me, you are probably a real ******* show in the fashion dept. Your wife wants to make you happy that's why she is fucking someone else. Women do not on average go around "looking" for sex partners. they dont need to, men are hitting on women all the time. So for a married woman to entertain sex with someone other than her husband, she is doing it because you want it. Now, dont get me wrong, she will enjoy it, if the man is a quality lover and bull, because I mean, women love sex. Some of the men on this site, overlook that viewpoint as well. Women love sex!
I try to empower the wives and also the husbands to find their voice in the marriage and relationship. You have to communicate with each other, otherwise eventually everything falls apart.