A lil humor today!

[cncdawg]

A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.
As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: - "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"
And the husband replies:
"Well, my love, what are you going to do?"
"Oh, Roger ...! I spoke to the judge handling your case,"
"And what did he say, my love?"
"He told me that for every time I make love with him, he will reduce your prison sentence by one year ..."
"What !!! What a miserable bastard and what did you say to that ******* of a bitch? "
" Oh, Roger! We'll talk about it at home, pick up your stuff, let's go… !!! "

 

[cncdawg]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his *******. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said." Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no I must die in peace, Becky I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mom!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

 

[cncdawg]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

 

[cncdawg]

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the ******* walks outside to find their cow dead.

“There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now,” says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.

“I can’t live without my husband,” she says as she shoots herself with her husband’s gun.

The ******* walks outside and sees her mom, ******* and cow dead.

“I can’t live any longer without my family,” she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.

The oldest *******, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.

“Is there any way to bring them back,” he yells at the sky.

Poof! A female leprechaun appears.

“I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow,” she says, “if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to ******* you.”

The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.

The middle *******, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.

“I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow,” she says, “if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to ******* you.”

The ******* agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.

The youngest *******, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.

“I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow,” she says, “if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to ******* you.”

The ******* says, “What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?”

The leprechaun thinks. She says, “I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.

The ******* says, “What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?”

She thinks again and says, “I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion.”

The ******* thinks and says, “What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?”

She thinks and says, “I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland.”

The ******* says, “Wait, how do I know you will survive it?”

“What do you mean?” says the leprechaun.

“The cow didn’t.”

 

[syscom3]

 

[syscom3]

LOL

 

[syscom3]

 

[cncdawg]

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it.

 

[cncdawg]

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the •••• (you know what the red dots replaced lol)."

 

[cncdawg]

A teacher asks the ******* in her 5th grade class: 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'
Little Larry says: 'I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.'
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
'And how about you, Sarah?'
'I wanna be Larry's whore.'

 

[cncdawg]

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a *******.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong; he said “Nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched T.V.
He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.





HIS DIARY

Today I shot my worst round of golf ever, but hey, at least I got laid.

 

[Splash]

 

[UsernameTaken]

 

[cncdawg]

 

[cncdawg]

FUNNY TATTOOS

 

[Mr&Ms TopCat]

 

[tonkatoy]

 

[tonkatoy]

 

[tonkatoy]

 

[Pestis]