Not exactly but close. My wife hasn’t realized my IR cuckold fantasy, but that isn’t a reason to leave our 20+ year marriage.
BUT I did tell her that she has to “show up” for me and be generous with me with respect to my fantasy. Role play, especially sex talk, toys…. She needs to play as much with my mind as my body, and I don’t want that to be limited to only the bedroom when we are playing. If she can’t or won’t I told her as painful as it would be I’d leave our marriage. Because I found love (albeit immature) in my teens, twice in my 20s and then finally with her when I was 33. I’m confident that I can find love again. And honestly that is exactly what it would take, because if I don’t love and have a deep emotional connection with a woman my fantasy loses most of its juice.
As I explained to my wife, because of the love requirement it’s not like I can satisfy my kink by getting a side piece who would be willing to indulge my fantasy. I’d have to end our marriage, then hopefully get lucky and find someone to love again, then confess my fantasy to my new love and hope she is more generous, when faced with the same deal I made my wife before we got married. I told her all about my fantasy, but told her there was no obligation or expectation that she live out my fantasy, but I absolutely expect that she will indulge my fantasy in the bedroom by doing fantasy role play, sex talk and toys.
Before I gave the ultimatum last September to my wife, I thought long and hard about it and did lots of reflection. I felt good with giving her the ultimatum for the following reasons:
1) I told her all about my fantasy up front before we got married, and told her what I needed and what I expected. I didn’t move the goalposts or spring it on her after we were married. She knew going in.
2) After laying it all out on the line, showing unprecedented vulnerability, and telling her how she could rock my world like no one ever has in the past, her refusal was the same as saying, “no thanks.” It was deeply hurtful, made me angry and very resentful. I had very thin skin around her and would snap back and be very short when she asked questions. Then I understood why…. That crap had built up for years. What does she expect when you tell the person you love with all your heart, who proclaims their love for you, “if you just indulge in some fantasy play on occasion it will make me incredibly happy, joyous, sexually satisfied, excited, pleasured, and feeling very loved and connected” but that person says “nope.” It goes beyond just missing out on sexual fulfillment, it gets down to that person not caring enough to give you not only want you want and need, but something you have asked for since before you were married. It’s not just a sexual hurt, it’s a deep relationship/emotional hurt.
3) I went back and took an inventory of all my past dating relationships and asked two questions: 1) would that woman be down with role playing, sex talk and toys around my fantasy if I had tried the same approach as I did with my wife, and if yes, 2) would they have made my fantasy a reality?
First my mature (sexual) LOVE relationships: the two women before my wife? #1 both would have been down with role play, sex talk and toys, with 100% confidence. Doing it in real life? One partner 100% sure, the other 95% sure. The other women I dated, based on my experience with them and knowing their views and comfortability on sexual topics, plus their willingness to please: #1 80-90%, #2 probably 50%. This review/inventory assured me that what I was asking, and the lengths I was willing to go were not unreasonable. I’m hoping the sex therapy will help my wife show up more for me the way I need her to. Our sex life generally has never been better but I still don’t feel her giving me what I need. So we will see.
How long have you been with your wife? Did she know going in to your marriage what your expectations were around this lifestyle or did you kind of spring it on her?
