Pain is a huge dynamic in the lifestyle, from what we have experienced and witnessed in over 15 years. This is more often than not overlooked and denied by most.
My husband struggled for many years - and still does to a significant degree - with the whole cuckold identity that was thrust upon him. He never sought it out and never really chose it. He continues to settle in to it to this day - step by step.
The emotional pain is always there and a constant, but much more to his choosing than the pain of divorce. Add to that, over the years he has struggled with this pain and the emotional guilt of allowing all this to happen in the first place - as if he was capable of stopping it or keeping it from happening in the first place.
Over several years, he would begin to develop different coping mechanisms, mixed with fetishes, and dysfunctional behaviors. Some would call some of these "destructive." And, to some extent this is true in several instances, but we all make our own choices.
Often in the early years - say three years into out marriage and almost as much time into his "active" cuckoldness - he would get very upset, wanting to apologize for his shortcomings and his failure to keep "all this from happening." I have always been submissive with lovers ( not my husband) and this included spankings. Jeff got the idea around this time that he could "make things up to me" by submitting to punishment for his shortcomings and failures. he would have me spank him. This would get fairly severe over time and he would cry a lot and feel better when it was over. Early on, we would have sex afterwards depending on what kind of sex we were having at that point. This would change and degrade over time. Early in this stage we were still having intercourse together, but later this was less and less. I was never into the spanking my husband thing. I always thought it was pitiful and disgusting.
Later, as we progressed into a relationship with our regular, who we have now been involved with for many years, Jeff became much more comfortable with this gentleman. Darnell is a police lieutenant we met in 2001, and who we later expanded our family with. Jeff hated him in the beginning, but later gradually settled into a very comfortable relationship after our twins were born in 2017. Eventually, sometime in 2017-2018, Darnell began punishing Jeff. This was much more satisfying for me, as it was a huge turn on to see my lover dominating my husband, and quite frankly, controlling his behavior better. Further, Darnell is a large man that when paddling or whatever, can much better bring the pain and control Jeff, keeping him from flopping around or making too much of a fool of himself. And, finally Darnell has come to enjoy this aspect of our relationship too.
There are times when Jeff will do something to interfere in things or make himself a pain in the ass, and Darnell will have him submit to a very intense "ass whipping" - a spanking with a paddle or a thick belt. Then, again, interestingly, there are also times when Jeff is very emotionally distraught, and knowing that a punishment from Darnell will give him a "release" he will very quietly, and discretely, go to Darnell or call him, and actually explain and ask for a punishment. This is something that, while I am of course, aware of, has become a private matter between them. We have to do this when we are alone with Darnell in the house, or when we are away with him because Jeff can be quite loud with his crying and pleading, but that is simply part of it. This is usually done as soon as Darnell comes over, they will get this out of the way, and then Darnell and I can be together while Jeff either watches or goes off to "lick his wounds" and sulk.
The emotional pain for him as a cuckold is quite intense. He describes the physical pain as cathartic in balance almost. The emotional pain increased exponentially after 2017, and the physical abuse has helped Jeff keep things on an even keel and survive the changes that came and continue.
