As I read and learn more about what i feel it would take to be a good cuckold I would agree the cuckold should demonstrate enough strength to their wife’s in order for them to feel secure enough to be able to move toward. If the cuckold does not or is not able to show their wife’s they desire this the wife may not feel comfortable to then see others.
I agree, but I also think a lot of men feel they have to convince their wives, "honey, don't worry, I really do want this for you! I'm being selfless here!" I think men often don't realize that what they're suggesting may not be the thing their wives need to hear in the moment. I think it's often the case that a lady needs assurance that her husband is really interested in what it is that she wants or needs, rather than to be convinced that her husband really does want her to fuck other people.
When I first brought Nancy seeing others her first comments was she thought I wanted another women, nothing could be further from the truth.
This seems to be quite common, actually. I'm not sure what men could change about their approach that might help dispel that misunderstanding more quickly, but I've heard stories on countless podcasts and read countless blog posts from lifestyle women and couples, where it was the man's idea to approach his wife about some form of extramarital play, and her first thought was, "oh, no! My husband wants to be with other women!"
My wife and I were fortunate in that our relationship was "open" from the very beginning, so I never had to try to convince my wife if anything. In fact, before we started experimenting with chastity play, we hit a stretch where my wife had a lot going on in life that affected her libido, and I was the one taking more advantage of the freedom to be with others. It was largely unfulfilling for me, but I was a club DJ and spent long nights out on the town, so my wife encouraged me to take advantage of my time so I wouldn't be frustrated by the lack of sex at home (though she did keep me locked up for a lot of that time. Chastity became a way for her to be involved in my sex life even when she didn't have a lot of bandwidth or energy for actual sex). So when she eventually found herself ready for a bit of a sexual awakening, needless to say, our closeness and intimacy drastically improved. How she wanted to increase her play was the natural direction for our conversation to go, because she was basically starting over at next to zero. So I had it a little easier than a lot of people, because she had absolutely no reason to question my intention when I would ask her if she wanted to try looking for other partners. She told me what she wanted to try next, I added it to our online dating site profiles, and started finding people and social events I thought might interest her. I was loving every little new step that brought my wife joy or pleasure, and directly benefiting from every little increase in her confidence and libido, in the form of more intense play with her. Since we were already playing with femdom and chastity themes, cuckoldry was a pretty natural next step for intensifying our play as a couple, while simultaneously broadening her horizons and maximizing her opportunities.
I love trying to offer support and advice for men who say they are hoping for a similar situation to ours, but ours was one of those rare cases where the man didn't really have to do a lot of convincing his wife to try things. I just tried to be as loving and supportive as possible during the times when she wasn't ready, pay as much attention to her needs and her enjoyment whenever there was an opportunity for intimacy, and encourage her to let me help provide it, whenever she expressed a desire to add something new to the mix. So, on one hand, my experience may not be as immediately helpful to men asking "how did you get your wife to cuckold you?" But on the other hand, I do think some of the same ideas are definitely applicable. My wife and I have been through years-long periods that required me to have a ton of patience, for example. Being patient and understanding is something I think ALL supportive partners need to learn. When you can recognize that people may go through multiple phases in response to external factors, that sex lives evolve and desires shift over time, it becomes clear how important it is to show your partner as much compassion and support as possible, rather than frustration about what it feels like you're missing. Don't get me wrong, I am not always naturally good at that myself, and have had more than my share of selfish tantrums, but what I often realized is that whatever factors were blocking my wife's libido and desire to branch out were usually things she was even more frustrated with than I was, and she needed support and understanding from me in order to work through those patches in a healthy way.
A lot of men seem to think, "my wife would be happier if she'd try having more sex," and they might even be correct, but I think it's common that whatever is making a woman unhappy is probably contributing to her lack of desire, her willingness to explore, and her prioritization of sex in general. It could be that working on making her happy and more confident will lead to more sex, and not the other way around. I think if more men had these conversations with their wives and REALLY LISTENED to their responses, they'd find that being sexually closed off is a symptom, and not the problem that needs to be directly addressed.
So yes, my situation may look different from those of a lot of men who are struggling to make changes in their relationships, but I do think that concepts like prioritizing deep and open communication, working on effectively listening to your partner, trying to limit your emotional response to frustrations and looking for the actual root cause, and practicing the ability to show love and support through any situation your partner is in, I believe those things really can help just about everyone.
I do find there is some level of control when being submissive as providing pleasure to another is fulfilling to me. It is then when I feel my pleasure. Hopefully that makes sense.
It makes perfect sense. If you're not already familiar, look up the word
compersion. I get a huge amount of sexual gratification from seeing my partner experience pleasure. I've had orgasms while fully caged, with no direct contact of my genitalia at all, by connecting with my wife and experiencing her orgasms with her. They're rare, but those are the most powerful orgasms I can recall. One of the greatest benefits of long-term chastity play comes when you've been locked up long enough that you're not even thinking "I hope she might unlock me tonight," anymore, and the end goal of any sexual experience truly shifts completely to your wife's pleasure and not yours.
But even outside of chastity play, an absolutely huge part of my sexual self-worth comes from feeling like I've given my wife pleasure. It's been interesting and sometimes difficult learning to feel real value in providing or contributing to her pleasure indirectly, especially when my touch isn't what's required.
We've had periods where my wife's body chemistry and the balance of her microbiome were very delicate, and she was reluctant to allow me even to perform oral sex on her, for fear that it might bring about another full-blown yeast infection that she'd barely been keeping at bay. The self-doubt I had to combat during those periods was at least as intense as any I've ever felt from things like realizing she really does prefer bigger dicks than the one I'll have for the rest of my life, or that her lovers really are touching her in ways and stimulating places inside her that I will never reach. I was able to deal with all of that better than times when I'm not able to at least give her orgasms from oral or manual stimulation. I constantly have to reassess what it actually means to be a good submissive or even a good partner, because my desire to see and help her get off is extremely strong, and there are MANY times when that's just not what she needs from me in the given moment.
I value the exchange of ideas but would really like to read more about cuckoldng to get a better understanding of the dynamics involved especially from the wife’s point of view.
I do too. I have work to do at the moment and need to wrap this up, but I am more than happy to share some links to some great blogs, podcasts, and books later, if anyone is interested. I'm also keen to see where this social network idea may lead. My wife is in an invite-only Kik group for cuckoldresses, and it's wonderful the support, advice and ideas those ladies are able to share with each other.
Also, that reminds me,
@Neilson , in addition to constantly hijacking your thread with long-form brain dumps and pontifications, I keep meaning to ask you if you wouldn't mind adding me to any communications about the network you're creating. Thank you for getting this discussion started.