" I want to make myself desirable so that a black man will force me to have sex with him. ...I want a black man to 'take' me against my will. I don't think I could do it otherwise." I am embarrassed and ashamed to write to you about this but I don't know who else to write to for advice. Recently, I saw my daughter with her black boyfriend having sex. Since then I have been fantasizing about making love with a black man. It's driving me crazy. My husband travels in his business and is gone much of the time. I am alone and now thinking all the time of what it would be like to have a black lover. Sometimes I am wet just thinking of it. I feel so naughty. This is how it started. One morning I dropped my car off for service before going to work and began to feel bad. Rather than going onto work, I had the service department drive me home. I went back to bed. I woke up about noon and heard voices downstairs. I went downstairs to check and saw my daughter with a black boy. Apparently, she had come home with him during lunch break, and since my car wasn't there, she didn't realize I was at home. They were naked on the couch and he was on top of her. He was big and black. He was pumping hard into my daughter. My daughter was so enthralled making love with him and she wasn't even aware I had come downstairs. I had never seen anything like this. I just stood at a distance watching for a long time. Then she got on top of him and rode him up and down. He looked enormous. She was really into it -- they both were. Then she got on all fours and he began to pump her from behind and she sounded like she came. I did not know my daughter was having sex, much less with a black boy. I could not tell how big he was, but he looked very big from what I could see -- much bigger than my husband. Of course, I had heard of black men from some of the other women at work who have black boyfriends. Some of them are even married! And they all talk about how big and hard they are and how they can always make them come. It's like they are bragging about having black lovers, even though they are married. I thought they were terrible doing that, but I admit I was a little curious about it. Until I saw my daughter with her black boyfriend, I hadn't been obsessed with it like I am now. I slipped quietly upstairs. I didn't come down again until they had left. I still haven't said anything to my daughter, but after she went to bed I did take a look at some pictures she had on her cell phone. She had pictures of her boyfriend naked in her phone. He looked like he must have been 10 inches and big around -- more than twice the size of my husband. I was so excited and upset I couldn't sleep. I don't see how she can handle all of him, but she clearly did. Since then I've really been thinking about it. I want to know what it would be like. It's all I can think about There are two or three black men at work who I would love to have take me. I have been friendly with them and have made it a point to show some leg and breasts. I have stopped wearing panties and am trying to give them a little look. I want them to be aware that I might be available. I want one to overpower my resistance. I have joined a health club and started working out. I have also gone on a diet and bought some new clothes. I want a black man to "take" me against my will. I don't think I could do it otherwise. I can't agree to do something like that. I want to make myself desirable so that a black man will force me to have sex with him. I want it to happen, but I want it to seem like I am resisting. Of course, I will protest but not too much. I want them to overcome my resistance. If I say "no" and resist, then it won't be my fault. Or, will it? I guess I am still so flustered I am not making much sense, am I? Do you think bad of me for wanting this? I feel so naughty, like a "bad" girl. I have never had thoughts like this before. I would like to get used to having sex with another man like some of your readers, but I don't know how. I want to talk to my husband about it but I am afraid of how he might react. Its been a long time since he showed much interest in sex. We have just kind of gotten into the habit of doing without it, so I kind of feel justified in having an affair. I want what my daughter is getting. I don't think I have ever been made love to really hard like she was. I would like to feel that. I thought I was too old to be wanting sex but now I am more horny than I have ever been. I was so desperate I even went to an adult store and purchased a movie of wives making love with black men. I can't believe I did that and I can't believe I watched it. You would not believe what I saw in there. There are hundreds of movies of ordinary wives like me making love with black men! I had no idea. You would not believe the love toys they have. I even purchased a 12-inch black dildo (another horrible word) and pretend it is a black lover when I watch the movies. I like to watch them with that in me and pretend I am making love with a big, black, hard, muscular, strong, dominant, muscular, black man. I felt so ashamed afterward, but I can't help it. Please, tell me what you think. What is wrong with me? Am I some kind of sick person? What do you think I should do? I am going crazy and every time I look at my daughter I think of her black friend making love to her. I wish it was me. Aren't I terrible. Is that wrong? Am I sick? I feel so bad and so confused. But it excites me so. I am confused and feel so guilty. I hope you can share some of your wisdom with me.