Hi there, I'm a new member here. My girlfriend and I are together for two years now. We've been fantasizing about the whole BBC thing the whole time during our relationship (ok, not the first two months). I was the one who brought up, but she admitted watching black porn before we got together. I'm 28, she's 22. She is an ex-model, so she had no problems attracting nice black guys over Tinder. She started talking with a guy a week ago, and Saturday they've met. Never I had experienced more doubt and confusion that last week. Sure, the idea was appealing. I've been pushing this to my ex-girlfriend, but she was never much into it (the fantasy yes, the actual 'doing it' not). So I should have felt lucky, but I didn't. I felt quite lonely, and scared shitless. So we set a few rules. As she was going to another city, she had to text me when she moved location, when she arrived at his home (IF it would happen, because this was just a 'meet and greet'), and of course before anything would actually happen (after a 'yes' there, of course I couldn't call it of anymore, that I knew). To be clear here: this was as much about her own safety (hell, we didn't knew the guy), as it was about making the fantasy real "our" decision, which I think it should be. There is no way we could predict what we would feel until the very last moment. Eventually, I letted her go. She had a lot of hesitation too, so I imagined this couldn't be much more than a drink and meet-up. So, she arrived, she texted me. She went for a drink with him, she texted me again, I texted back, but in a minute I sent her a text to call me when she was in the toilet or something. I wanted to call the whole thing off. Sitting at home I realized I couldn't do this. At least not like this, I needed some visual or auditive stimulant, not just sitting 50km away and worried sick about her. She didn't read the text, and suddenly I saw on 'Find my iPhone' (! something we both agreed on), than she changed location to an apartment. Communication went dead for over an hour. I was out of my mind. I was worried she might be drugged or worse, since we both fully agreed on the rules (over and over again) I was sure this couldn't happen with her consent. As I was ready to call the police, she finally picked up her phone over an hour. I could hear sorrow in her voice when she read my many messages and answered shortly that I could pick her up. She would go out of the house, and sent me an location to pick her up. I immediately left to that city, arriving there 45 minutes later. I drove like a mad man, since I couldn't reach her again (i waited 25 minutes to start calling again for an address, something that she was ok and he wasn't angry for begin 'interupted'. She told me on the phone that 'something already had happened' but I imagined little else than some foreplay (since the short timeframe). To cut it short, I picked her up, she looked at me with those big eyes and I asked what happened and what the hell was wrong with her to make worry this much (over her safety, which has still been so far the main priority and reason of my agony). She said they did it, she didn't came, he didn't came, it was quite good, but nothing special (and not entirely to her expectation, but life is not porn). After I called she dressed up, said to the guy her BF was picking her up, and they talked a little and put the tv on (and obviously she wasn't looking at her phone). I started crying like a little kid. Probably the aftermath of the worrying and driving with shaking hands, but also the fact that it was 'done' and I had no chance to call it off. From 'I'm having a drink' I suddenly had met the reality that my GF had sex with another man. This weekend we talked, I cried, she cried. She felt enormously guilty. I asked over and over again why she just didn't follow these simple rules we've set up earlier, why she couldn't look at her phone for just 5 seconds, than all this couldn't have been avoided. She had no answer. She felt like she had taken a drug, 'it all happened so fast she didn't realize, et cetera. I love this girl to the moon and back. I'm familiar with the phrase 'be careful what you wish for'. I knew this could either go good or bad or something in between. I didn't want it like this, but she made it clear that if she wouldn't go this weekend, she probably would never go since the fantasy wouldn't work for her anymore. I saw little choice. But now, that fantasy is broken. I wasn't there, I didn't hear or see anything, I wasn't able to call it off (something we both agreed on I could), and all I feel is well... cheated on. I just felt this was entirely her decision as soon she walked into his apartment. I wasn't a fantasy anymore, it wasn't our decision. We did have sex afterwards. In the middle of my pain I was horny (still don't understand). So for our sex-life it gave a little boost, but other than that... It feels like I lost my innocent sweet girl. It feels like I gave her one of the greatest gifts one can do in a monogamous relationship: freedom (allright, with a couple of rules), and she just threw it out of the window. It feels she stole our fantasy into a cheat. I'm broken and hurt, sure. I have no idea what to do, or who to talk to. This is not exactly a conversation you bring to your parents or best friends. Please, don't judge me too fast. I'm aware this 'could' have happen, but I didn't expect it. I texted when she was having a drink to please call me for a minute, to call it off. I kept on calling and sending afterwards, not knowing where she was. The worst part was that after we finally called, she didn't let me know the address or anything after. She didn't pick up her phone again, she didn't text. I was worried like hell. The sex is one thing, but the lack of any communication after she could hear I was in panic strikes the hardest. If I didn't had the app, I would never have know her location. I'm curious how to handle this. Internally at least. Thanks for your advice.