I would like to apologize in advance if this post is rather long or going in several different directions, but I have so many questions for the BBC's, the husbands, and the wives. Any insight/suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated. Background - I am the wife of a wonderful man. He is by no means small, a bit above average size from my experience. He is very sexual and younger than me.. We have been married a bit over 6 year but have known each other a lot longer and we are pretty good about communicating with each other. He began talking to me about his fetish before we were married. We started with role play, talking about it, looking at different sites, watching porn. First attempt - with a friend of mine. Needless to say he was much smaller than my husband, while he was very attentive and I did cum, it was not the best first experience. Seeing the excitement from my husband during all of this sent me over the top, but after the fact the feelings I had, guilt, depression, feeling as though I had cheated on him, but he was right there and very happy that it happened. We took a break from it but decided to attempt again later with another man. I explained to the man I was with that my husband was aware of what was going on, and was ok with it. He questioned it and had a hard time wrapping his head around how a husband could be ok with it, but still wanted to have sex. Husband was not present but did know what was going on the entire time. Afterwards the gentleman, asked that I not tell my husband that anything happened. I'm sorry, I will not lie to my husband because he did not want him to know about it. Thus strike 2. So on to all my questions/concerns: 1. I know my husband loves the thought of me being with another man, watching me with another man, and the thought of being a cuckold, he has never shown any type of jealousy and he has asked me if I could humiliate him if it happens again. I can't find that in me, I love and respect this man, and the thought of humiliating him, hurts me. I realize cleaning up a cream pie could be seen as an act of humiliation, and I'm ok with this, but I cannot even fathom any type of verbal abuse. Wives or Husbands, please help me understand this part of it, how can I verbally abuse, aka humiliate a man that I love with every breath I take? 2. If we attempt this again, how can I get rid of these feelings of guilt/shame/depression? Is this normal? Granted, I'm not a young chicken anymore, and my upbringing was sheltered and strict, but I am not against trying new things sexually, so why do I feel this way? 3. Insecurities about my looks. Being in my late 40's I feel like I'm overweight, maybe a BBW, maybe just curvy. Are there any men out there that would be interested, seeing all these images of younger, fit, beautiful women? I really don't want to feel humilated if I put it all out there, and this is a fear of mine. Rejection sucks for anyone, and I just don't want to feel rejection on top of all the other intense feelings. If I'm open to trying, have tried and still willing to try again, is it possible to get over these feelings, these insecurities? If I told my husband, No - I don't want to try anymore, he would respect that, but while he wants my happiness, I also want his so there has to be a middle for us to meet at. We're going slow this time, I told him we jumped right in before without thinking of the after affects, this time I want us to go slow, with eyes wide open.