I am a jumble of emotions right now. Mostly excited, horny feelings. Some background: I had a hot girlfriend many years ago and her and I stumbled into fantasy after a chance/accidental viewing of an interracial sex video. I was too young and immature and not completely sure what I wanted or why I wanted it so I blew my chance. Years later I meet my current wife and after years of perfecting what I would say and how I would say it, I sprung my fantasy on her before we got engaged. She wasn't into it at all but she was accepting of my kink. Truth was she was very sexually naive, inexperienced and fairly close minded (never saw porn, gave or received oral sex and had no intentions of changing). But the force was strong in this one (me) so I slowly exposed her to IR porn, IR pictures and finally toys (large black ones). At one point years ago I thought I was making good progress, she would get really hot and cum like a volcano when I would use her toy on her while watching IR porn. She was loosening up. Then I jumped the gun and started reaching out to guys and getting their pictures to show my wife. I even admitted to chatting with some and she FREAKED OUT. Next up were several years I'll refer to as the Dark Ages (and not in a good way). She really fought my fantasy and never wanted to watch the videos. Over the last few months after a long dry spell I started using her big toy on her again and showing her IR porn. Of course she would get hot and cum and she started being less uptight about comments I would make around her about black guys, etc. Another dry spell hit just because of our schedules and illness etc. But then I noticed that she started to playfully bring up the black bull dynamic in conversations or just say something off hand like on "The Biggest Loser" one of the women is married to a black guy, she said, "You know....that one there is married to a black guy." I pretended not to hear her and she repeated, with a sly smile, so I could hear her "She's married to a BLACK GUY!" I saw my opportunity so I spent an hour digging up the most erotic IR videos I could find on the net. One was a really muscular, well hung black guy doing this young, fit wife on the beach while her husband filmed them. She started by saying she didn't want to watch those kinds of videos ("they're all the same!") and then was joking around about various parts of the video to relieve her embarrassment/tension. This got her fairly hot while I massaged her pussy through her panties. But then I showed her one video from Blacked.com, then another, then another.... normally I would expect her to say, "enough...just fuck me" but she kept watching and getting hotter and wetter. Those videos are a revelation. The guys are all in great shape, muscles, some tatts, and huge cocks. And the women are smoking hot/innocent looking. I think this last part plus the fact that there is some attempt at a story, there is lots of kissing, and the videography is high quality made a HUGE difference. Won't go into crazy detail for time sake, but she took her big toy VERY deep, was saying and doing things she never does, her orgasm was probably the most intense she has had in years, her pussy tightened down on the toy like a vice grip and she just lost it. Our conversation was hot and free flowing. I talked very dirty to her mentioning how the black guy loved fucking her tight wet pussy etc. Anyway, afterwards she was still a mess and wanted me to fuck her. She talked about how she liked the videos and the hot guys in them because they were muscular (arms, stomach, ASS) and had large cocks. She also mentioned how she liked seeing them pick up the girls while fucking them which was only in the intro/marketing scene. Today I decided to take a chance and buy her a new toy that everyone seems to love (Mr. Marcus 9" dildo). I wanted to buy it as a surprise but was concerned our sons would open the package if we weren't around or if someone stole it off our porch. So I sheepishly mentioned how I wanted to buy a new toy. Now giving her advance notice of any sex toy was usually an invitation for "Hell no" due to her strict Catholic upbringing and the fact that she is very tight with money. But to my big surprise she was very cool with it. Even joked that maybe we should have it delivered to her dad's house. She thought there was a harness/strap with it which weirded her out slightly but when I told her it was a suction cup she seemed very curious and interested which is mind blowing. She asked a ton of questions about what you can suction it to etc. Then she told me to just go ahead and buy it. I read the reviews to her off of Adam and Eve and she was turned on but also thought they were bullshit because she thinks multiple orgasms are a myth and these women are talking about have 2, 3, 5 as many as 15 orgasms on this thing. When I told her that it's physically possible for all women to have multiple orgasms but it requires the right physical and mental stimulation and right mental approach she seemed very intrigued. I also mentioned how many wives said that this toy made them want to try the real thing and she didn't flinch which was completely unusual. All today she was very lovey dovey, sexual and flirty and said some things to me she never would about black guys. This is a LONG path to get around to my concerns/questions. One, this fantasy has been driving me crazy for over 20 years. I have been working relentlessly to prep my wife to do this. I always held out hope that some day she would give in to temptation and that day appears to approaching. But last night after I came I had a wave of fear, anxiety, self loathing hit me more than any other time. I have a GREAT marriage to a kind, loving faithful wife who didn't ask for any of this stuff. I have planted these thoughts and urges in her brain and I am left wondering if I am risking fucking everything up. I am not a sissy boy or think black men or any men are the "superior race." I don't want to be demeaned or laughed at but I am left wondering if my self esteem will still tank if this happens. My wife usually doesn't like to talk about sex unless we are in the heat of the moment. If I were to approach her about my fears of fucking up our marriage or losing her, she would, 1) Deny that there was ever any chance of a real hook up and 2) be burned by my ambivalence and cold feet and how I am sending her really mixed messages which could send me back to the dark ages again. I would very much appreciate advice from any sincere non fantasy obsessed folks ("it's your duty to let her go off with the superior black man"). Did anyone on here deal with feelings of being ashamed, feeling like a lesser man, feeling like a freak etc. by doing this? Fear of losing your wife, etc. Guess I never seriously considered how all this would play out emotionally for me because I always thought it was a pipe dream but now it seems that my wife is close and dreaming of different pipes, which is thrilling and scary at the same time. Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.