Advice for Newbs; Right for Us?

[hotcouple2233]

We are asking these questions in good faith, even if it may seem critical to some. I have the fantasy of mfm with my fiancee of 4 years and seeing her with another man and she has always had a touch of jungle fever so it is natural that we would find ourselves here. We've talked about it at length but, for reasons below, currently it is just that: a fantasy. We have open communication in all things (sexual & otherwise), our sex life is great! I'm not lacking in the size or stamina departments and she gets the lion's share of all orgasms, which imo, is how it should work. She told me we fucked an avg of 17 times a week last month (I knew it was a lot but didn't know she was keeping track!).

After reading posts in this forum though we're both beginning to wonder if this fantasy is better left on the shelf and if this arrangement even makes sense for us. Our issue is not with non-traditional or open relationships in any of their forms or allowing consenting adults to live how they choose but that WE simply CAN NOT seem to relate to A LOT of the member posts we've read in response to questions which interested us. (We understand that many marital issues such as needs not being met, sexless, loss of respect, etc are not unique to HotWifing so let's keep the comparisons to a min, please)

We get that online forums (like this) are dens of embellishment and outlets for wannabees with repressed fantasies, but even when taken with a healthy mound of salt we both still find ourselves asking 'What the fuck??'

Example:

• On the one hand everyone talks about trust and communication ....whilst the wives cheerlead each other about blowing past one boundary after another (i.e. don't fuck my co-workers; oops, I fucked your co-workers! Sorry! You go, Girl!! Tee hee hee!)....(??)

• "Wives do you love your husbands?" -Oh, he's my number one!...But I don't respect him anymore....(??)

• This has saved our relationship!...But we haven't fucked in years & I'd never let my husband fuck me or anyone else....(??)

• I would NEVER leave my husband!!....Except, of course, for that time that I left my husband and crawled back when it blew up in my face...(??)

• Hubby is my soul mate!!...Should I just ******* HIM to suck my lover's cock, even though in multiple open discussions on the issue he's repeatedly said he doesn't want to do that?...(??)

Are we wrong in perceiving that it seems like this lifestyle, even when devoid of extreme cuckolding & humiliation play, eventually fosters disrespect & antipathy for the men whom you later thank profusely for introducing you into it? What are your thoughts on that?

Then, ladies, anytime you are called out on some of this it seems the default response is 'Well HE wanted this! This is HIS fantasy!' as if you are merely an innocent bystander getting nothing from this arrangement personally & absolved completely from any consequences of your own actions simply because you were not the first person to bring this up in a conversation. (Fiancee's observation) Can you share an experience where you had to 'Eat Crow' and adjust some of your behavior for the sake of your marriage?

It appears to us, from many of the posts we've read here, that many of the Husbands end up as nothing more than marital Doormats whose singular value to the wife eventually becomes emotional support & enabling/supporting the "lifestyle", which perhaps explains the apparent contempt & loss of respect we've seen in many wives' comments. (True? Off Base? Your thoughts...)

(Gentlemen being submissive does not conflict with your masculinity. Your submission should be withdrawn if it is not being valued. Been there, done that. My two cents. But I digress...)

Perhaps our "issue" is that the loudest voices here are those on the farthest end of the "spectrum", per above? Perhaps. If so those are the voices we are least interested in from hearing from but welcome all input & perspectives.

But in regards to people who might consider themselves more 'middle of the spectrum', who practice hotwifing in their lives together (as that is more or less how we view ourselves), we would love to hear input from you on:

1: How long you have been practicing hotwifing,
2: How this enhanced your individual lives & your sex life with your spouse,
3: Whether your view of your spouse has changed. If so, how? Positive? Negative?
4:Whether your view of yourself has changed. If so, how? Positive? Negative?
5: Do you feel you maintained mutual respect and trust with your spouse? If so, How when so many others freely concede they have not?
6: If you have felt loss of respect for your spouse do you think any of that could be a projection onto them of any loss of respect you have for yourself? Or where do you feel that loss comes from?
7: Can you provide an example of the aftercare you practice after your dates/encouters? How do you reconnect and stay grounded with your spouse to ensure your marriage stays strong & everyone's needs are being cared for?
8: How often (if ever) do you take time off from the "lifestyle" to dedicate time to just your spouse?

All of this is a little odd to my fiancee & I because we have a mutual friend who's a porn star who does almost exclusive BBC work and has a very stable (dare I say 'Normal') long term relationship with her b0yfriend that has none of the "downside" that we've seen in this forum. I've joked that maybe she should just follow that friend's example and do BBC porn & we'd have none of the HotWifing, Cuck & Bull Drama!

My fiancee lamented that the "lifestyle" seems to be a female led experiment on how absolute power corrupts absolutely. I feel like tightening up the pre-nup as I feel that appears to be the only recourse or 'withdrawal of consent' which would actually seem to matter to many hotwives who post here.

Happiness not shared is not happiness. We both think that there is a lot of potential upside in this arrangement for each of us. However we both were hoping for a better impression of Hot Wifing/Sharing than what we're currently left with. We hope that is where you come in. No Pressure. ;-)

Thank you in advance for any input, experience or contribution you might share as we thoughtfully consider adding this arrangement to our own life.

 

[PageantMom]

There's an old saying - "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". Your relationship doesn't look like it's even cracked.

 

[whiteshadoe]

You do not have to engage in that dynamic if you do not want to. Many people enjoy what you call the 'downside,' that's why they do it and talk about it. It is not the necessary devolution path of a relationship after a threesome.

 

[KRG]

Hi, I have been wanting to reply to your post for a bit now but that thing called life takes precedence.

I realize this is my first post on these forums so take it as you will. I have been in "the lifestyle" on and off now for a good 10 years so I feel I can offer a decent perspective.

I am currently in a non-lifestyle relationship but my gf is VERY curious about it but I can share my experiences based on previous lifestyle relationships.

It's important to say right from the beginning that you as a couple craft what form this lifestyle takes in your relationship.

For myself I certainly don't fit the typical submissive cuckold mold. I have always held a rather practical view of the sexual side of a relationship.

I am average size, and stamina but with a high sex drive. I cannot suddenly have a huge cock, be black, be a girl, etc. but if this is what my partner wants/needs then I have always held the belief that I will do what I can to make it happen for her.

I also discovered very early on in my sexuality that I find the sight/sound/experience of watching my partner with another (male or female) to be an incredible turn on and enhanced my own sexual pleasure.

For the two of you I would say you are in a good starting position to open up your relationship.

You have said you have open and honest communication both in and out of the bedroom and that is key! You need to be able to discuss your boundaries from a position of trust and respect.

You have said your sex life is great and that is also important for both people to enjoy the experience. I personally find it difficult to believe that opening up a broken relationship has resulted in fixing it.

Like yourselves, I read through many of the posts here and go "Really!!?" But that being said, it has no bearing on what the lifestyle is for me so if it works for them then all good.

You are correct of course that there is a great amount of fantasy stuff here. All the better I say. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

To answer your specific questions:

1: How long you have been practicing Hotwifing: I have been in the lifestyle on and off for 10 years.

2: How this enhanced your individual lives & your sex life with your spouse: It allowed us to have a more fulfilling life both in an out of the bedroom. We had even greater sex as it was always new and fresh. We both knew that if we wanted something we could make it happen. For her part she knew she could just say "I would like this" and if it fit in our boundaries it was a go. If it pushed our boundaries then we could discuss and go from there.

3: Whether your view of your spouse has changed. If so, how? Positive? Negative? My view of my partner never changed really. We discussed what we wanted right from the beginning, what were green light/red light boundary items and we went from there. Watching the pleasure my partner received from the other men (and occassional lady) solidified in my mind that we were in the right lifestyle format for us.

4:Whether your view of yourself has changed. If so, how? Positive? Negative? My view of myself changed for the positive with no doubt. I really do derive immense pleasure from seeing my partner being pleasured by another man (men). Being in a relationship with a partner that knows this, accepts this and is a very willing participant is nothing short of amazing for my own self confidence.

My current gf (non-lifestyle) is aware of my desires as we have openly discussed this. As I mentioned before she is curious and I am introducing her to aspects of the lifestyle at a pace that is comfortable for her and to date it's been very positive for her and promising for me.

5: Do you feel you maintained mutual respect and trust with your spouse? If so, How when so many others freely concede they have not? I absolutely feel that we maintained a mutual respect and trust. If you respected your partner to begin with, and you were genuinely honest with each other going into this lifestyle and you communicate throughout, how can you lose respect for the other person? I personally just don't see it.

6: If you have felt loss of respect for your spouse do you think any of that could be a projection onto them of any loss of respect you have for yourself? Or where do you feel that loss comes from?
While I have not felt any loss of respect for my partner, there have been times when that "jealousy" monster has appeared in my head. It's those times when I briefly have projected my feelings onto her. Fortunately this is where being honest with yourself and being able to talk with your partner afterward are so very important.

7: Can you provide an example of the aftercare you practice after your dates/encouters? How do you reconnect and stay grounded with your spouse to ensure your marriage stays strong & everyone's needs are being cared for? My (our) ritual was always the same. Our playmates never stayed over regardless of how late we we went into the night. After our playmates left, we would chat about the date, how she felt, what really made her night, what I liked about the night, what I found to be the biggest turn on, etc.

From there we would finish the night with our own sexcipade often with a good amount of the same discussion of what she liked, etc. It was a great way of reconnecting with each other and coming back into our own relationship space and "closing off" the date as it were.

8: How often (if ever) do you take time off from the "lifestyle" to dedicate time to just your spouse? That is a balance you will both establish on your own but the rule of thumb we had was if one partner wasn't into it, then things were a no go and we just did something with the two of us. There will always be an ebb and a flow to the lifestyle. Sometimes you will gorge yourselves on several play dates in a row and other times a month or two could go by with no activity. Only the two of you will know what works and what doesn't.

Wow, so I have penned a small novel here. I hope this helps the two of you and if you would like to discuss more, please feel free to reach out. I'm sure the discussion would hit on some topics my current girlfriend has questions about.

Cheers!

 

[Ann4BBC]

Hi, well written opening post and thought out questions.
1, me and hubby started hotwifing in 2013. We were busier in the first few years, I've seen less guys this year.
2, how this enhanced our individual life and sex life. It definitely improved our sex life. We were novices to sex, then had 20 years of vanilla sex. After starting hotwifing I learned loads of things which me and hubby then did together, and him knowing I had been with other men turns him on so much!
3, view of spouse changed. Personally my view of hubby has changed, I always viewed him as the strong leader of our family. Now, not so. And I can't help wonder why he likes me going with other men, bareback and doing perverse stuff. Then seeing him excited and can't wait to put his head between my thighs to lick me out feels a bit sad.
4, view of myself. Bit of a mixture, I feel lot more sexual, more confident, happy, but can feel a bit used sometimes. But mainly have a positive view of myself.
5, mutual respect and trust. 100% trust each other, our relationship was always honest and trustful. As far as respect, it's a different type of respect I have for hubby. He's no longer the strong confident guy, but he's been great with me doing the hotwifing and respects if I want to try something new or different.
6, loss of respect, see above.
7, example of aftercare. We have tried to keep the two lives separate, we have 'special nights' where we meet guys, or dress up, or whatever, other times it's just us enjoying each other. Communication is key, and the woman being strong or she ends up doing things she doesn't want to do to please guys.
8, time off. For us this has blurred. It was easier to keep them separate at first. But as I've had more tattoos, more photos, family knowing and I'm seeing an ex bf who my family know, so it's harder to seperate them.
But as long as you love your partner, remember this is done for fun, and your partner is the one you will be in your old age, then you can keep your feet on the ground.
Do I regret starting hotwifing? Never! Have had a load of fun and still am!

 

[hwkate]

Hotcouple2233, you have made a very good post with very intelligent questions. I also admire your ability to put it all into words, as that is one of my weaknesses.
It has been less than a year since Kate and I had our first hotwife experience, therefore I can't tell you the long term outcome from experience. However, we have had enough to give a solid opinion to some of your topics.
I will start by saying that it is my "opinion", that most of these people that display the disrespectful cuckold attitude towards the husband, "He never gets to fuck me anymore" , because "my pussy is for BBC only" are playing the fantasy forum role. I could be wrong... Maybe some guys like it.
I can't imagine any real man with a set of balls being "fine" with some of the BS that we read here.

I will say that yes, it was my idea to try hotwifing. Maybe it wasn't my idea, but after more than 10 years of marriage I was the one who brought it up.
It started with me spilling a fantasy one night while we were heavily engaged in some great fucking. (after several beers) lol. I know Kate was confused, and didn't understand why I would ever say such a thing.. but, she didn't say no. I think she found it very interesting, and she had a lot of questions.

I would never have mentioned anything about my fantasy if we didn't have a GREAT, trusting relationship to begin with. We have always been great together, and we rarely even have a disagreement. When we do disagree, we get through it without arguing. I will attest that communication is what keeps a relationship strong.

Our sex life was not in danger, as we both have always been very much into each other. I am not incompetent, I'm probably above average in size, and can still bring her to a very intense orgasm. (so far, I am the only one she has found that can give her that deep cervical shaking that she loves).

Respect? I feel that if either of us didn't respect each other, we wouldn't still be together. Respect is the one thing that I can't imagine not having from a true partner of any kind. I don't care what the topic is.. if you and your partner do not respect each other, its not gonna work out.

I'm not gonna "*******" my wife to do anything, and she isn't gonna "*******" me into anything either. We do not just let each other do whatever the hell we wish. That goes back to respect.. a good example is that Kate told me from the beginning of this whole idea that she would never allow me to have sex with another woman. I'm fine with that.
Me having sex with another woman was not what I had on my mind when I dropped the bomb on her anyway.
I see it like this.. I am quite a bit older than Kate. She is fucking HOT as hell to me, she is everything I would ask for in a wife. ( well, with the exception of not being a millionaire) , I can still satisfy her but, I trust her, I feel that she would never do me wrong, and I don't want her to be deprived of a great sex life.
I am one Horny, Perverted fucker when we are behind closed doors. (most men are I think). And she knows it. Why not give her the clearance to enjoy her desires, and explore those fantasies that most women would never fulfill.

Kate usually does not play without me being present. I have given her my permission a couple of times, because I knew who the guy is.. and I felt comfortable for her safety. She does not keep things a secret from me, as a matter of fact, now that we play this game.. she keeps me hard most of the time with her little cravings.

Humiliation? No, I would never stand for it. Remember that "respect" thing? She knows that I love it when she talks dirty too me. I do encourage her to tell me "all about it" and, tease me about how good he was.. etc.
But if those things weren't there.. what fun would it be for me? I want her to get the best of it all.
I think Kate is Sexy.. (did I mention that)? she is my personal porn star.. of course I want her to get everything she can out of each encounter, and I sometimes get carried away encouraging her to do so.

Marital Doormat? No Way would I ever allow myself to fit that description. If I started feeling that way, I would blame it on myself.

I want to mention the most difficult part of this lifestyle for us. So far, (I know this could change with experience).
We didn't know where to start.. eventually, I talked Kate into fucking one of our good friends. Thats a whole big story in itself.. but, it turned out good. (and will probably happen again)
We made accounts on a couple hook up sites, played the craigslist game for a while, and even tried the bar scene ( a predominant black bar) , all in all.. it just wasn't very successful.
When a white couple is in a bar with a bunch of black guys, it just doesn't work out like some of the stories might lead you to believe. At least most of the time.
We have had a few encounters that were very much fun. We have been stood up several times, which gets you very frustrated and leaves you feeling discouraged.
Kate has had some pretty heated moments that have given her confidence, and made her feel very good about herself, and she is telling me constantly about how this guy is looking at her, or, this guy said this, and "wow, that guy is HOT" etc..
It has made her a new woman. She is comfortable telling me these things now, that I never heard from her before.

Am I happy with my Hotwife? absolutely. It has made our marriage very much more exciting. Our sex together is WAY hotter than it use to be. As long as we keep being honest with each other, and keep respecting each others wishes, I hope Kate keeps up the good work.

I know I got side tracked and rambled a bit but.. it is what it is.

Keep it real, enjoy each others trust. Thats all my mind will put out at the moment.